When getting home

Dear Journal,

It’s been a hell of a day, 1st of all am I a joke to people? When I speak do I speak in a high pitched girls voice? Just seems like when I speak its like I am a clown and that every think I say is a joke!

Every think today has been getting to me from the sound of the birds to the sound of water dripping down a pipe. I want to scream but I can’t it feels like I am stuck in this body and powerless to use it. 

Then I get home and its even more of a shit hole then when I left it. I want to die! A depressing end to a depressing day. I would not mind if I came back to how I left it but there was closed pulled out of a wash bag across the porch door that I had put back in it the day before. Then jeans left on the bed room floor, bed unmade and bottom sheet was put on inside out any way. 

I can’t cope, I want to cut my legs so bad to feel the burning rage and hurt flow out of me. But on the other hand I want to take all the tablets I can and make it all go away for good.

Is this my life a forever string of boyfriends that treat my home like a shit tip? What do I do to deserve it. I sit here typing this with tears running down my face looking out the window for my boyfriend wondering what mood he will be in. Should I pretend to be happy?

Happy???? All I want to do is take a knife to my stomach the thought of me ever being truly happy is a fantasy! My wants in life is simple, The Internet, Computers, Movies, TV, boyfirend, love, family some think to drink I am happy.

I can’t even have a boyfriend that will leave at a time I ask so his home for me. Truly that is why I did not want to go to therapy because I knew he would not be home for me when I was getting let alone for 7pm. To me a time to be home for me to support him is not a big thing, in fact ever since meeting him not once have I put him second. Even before my self, he say he needed me I was there. 

FREAK THATS ME! Wanting the simple things when every one ever wants as much as they can get and they seem to get it. 

Not Important And Never Will Be

Waste Of Space


Bottom Of The Pile

This is just some of the things he says to me, I say he because it is a man’s voice I hear and from here on in I am going to all him Lucifer as he tells me that I am what I put above. He feeds on my unhappiness when I am sad he makes be miserable.  Some times in the corner of my eye I see him standing over me like a dementor from the harry potter sucking the unhappiness from me until I am dark. When it goes dark I do bad things to my self like overdose or self harm.

Today its overdose, tbh its been like that for weeks now. And I don’t care at the moment if I live or die. If I live I get to spend more time with my lil sister, but if I die I will be at peace.

My body feels like some one has put there hands into my stomach and started to pull me apart when I talk like that.  

I am starting to space out now, so I am going to lay down. Lets see what time he gets in I say 7:30 – 8PM 3 hours after I asked him to leave. I am going to curl up in bed, might write to you again tomorrow. 

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