Does anybody care anymore…about anything but themselves?! Even my own mother is up to no good half the time. I’m not saying she’s a bad person but she doesn’t see or care about all the screwed up things she does. She lies, and does it daily. I do mean daily. Be it an elaborate lie or what people call a little white lie…it’s a fucking lie and it’s jacked up and I can’t stand it. Now, I’m 37yrs old. I don’t live with my mom but for two months, I’ve been her live in care giver. At first, it was heaven sent as my ex fiancé I was with and living with for six years up and packed one night. A 40yr old game designer, but he can only do quality assurance testing and graphic user interface. He set off to northern California after a really heartbreaking web of lies…to me and these people he didn’t know but had some chick pick him up. He toyed with me endlessly, made me believe he was coming back. It’s still fresh even though this happened mid December 2015. What he said flared up the worst PTSD trauma and I dream of him, think of him. I loved him so much, then he was gone. Just gone with no remorse over what he said or how he treated me. So, naturally, I couldn’t handle life alone. I have no friends. He was my ultimate best friend as well as the love of my life… Though now,  I trust nobody and I have no hope that I’ll EVER find love like that again no matter what people tell me.  

So, I came to help my mom but she’s got this strange way of holding grudges and she takes a shit ton of meds too. Mostly narcotics as she has bad M.S. then had two falls in the night while she was alone. She over medicates at times so finally she shattered her shoulder! Seven different places too. I care for her and my older sister is far too selfish to help our mom like this, plus she’s married and her 20yr old son has such severe Autism that she can’t be here like I can. I’m doing this with severe untreated Lupus and Severe Rheumatoid arthritis! I can’t even feel my hand anymore! I have to see the doc tomorrow! It’s like she doesn’t care about my illness at all. All that matters to her is her own. I see her lie to people around her in small ways and half truths and me, I will not lie to people, it’s wrong. Brutal honesty is better than a lie any day! Nobody likes being lied to, even liars lol….which I find so childish.

What do I do?!

I miss my ex so much that just typing this has me shredded mentally and in tears.

I want my mom back! The one that wasn’t vicious to me. The one who could sympathize with the pain of being abandoned. I pray, and I pray and I pray, but I dunno if God has given up on me. As humans, we ALL make mistakes. I’m forgiving, almost to a fault, isn’t that what Jesus would do?!

I dunno what to say. I dunno what to do. I miss life before December. God, what I wouldn’t do to have that all back. 🙁



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