So for starters this is me vomiting my feelings and emotions. I do this in hopes of looking back at it and seeing if there is a way to fix me or if I go counseling I can just hand over this document. I just write when I need to let go and it may be repetitive. I honestly don’t know. I didn’t edit this, hint hint word vomit. Please don’t judge, I am just trying something new to help sort out my thoughts.
I hate myself and I don’t know if that’s okay. If that’s a feeling that is alright. I don’t even know if I am alright. All I know is that I have this pain. This pain that never leaves, that visits me every night, just to let me know that it will always be there. This pain brings the demon that haunts my thoughts and makes me wonder who I am, makes me second guess how I feel. But in the end my feelings are intense or not even there at all. I just want to be normal, to love myself, to accomplish something. I don’t understand why I am this way, all I know is that one day I will die by this demon that never leaves. This demon that swallows me whole and takes all my hope, that gives me no motivation. Sometimes, just for fun, he likes to put my head underwater and let all the air escape my body. To see me struggle, to see me black out. I am dying on the inside and everyday hurts more. People told me it would get better and it hasn’t and I am so confused on why it hasn’t. I try my best, I try to be nice, I try to be a good person, yet, everything I touch crumbles and every thought and action I do come back to haunt me. And that demon just sits there and laughs at my suffering, whispering all the things that’s wrong with me, reminding me how I will never get better. How it is proven that I will never get better and the best that will happen is learning how to cope. But how can you cope when you can’t fix yourself? When you will constantly be forced to battle these thoughts every day, when in that moment those thoughts seem so rational and real. When you can’t change the way you think because since you were born you were destined to feel this way. To be sensitive to the world around you, letting it cocoon you in negativity and hopelessness. When even at a young age you knew your mother would never love you and would subconsciously despise you because of what you have become. That in the end you are nothing and you will always be a failure. You will always hurt the people around you, yet become extremely jealous when they cared about someone other than you even though you are the person that hurts them because you are hurting. When in the end you want them to hurt and suffer because you’re hurting. That you will do anything in your power to see them suffer and have no remorse because you are silently dying on the inside and don’t see any other way of fixing it. No other way of getting better. Because this demon tears you apart and loves to watch it. As you look for ways to ease the pain by starving and cutting. And god I miss cutting so much. I miss the way the blade sliced across my skin and the blood would bubble up and spill over. Coating my arm in a trickle of dark red to a beautiful velvety color. I miss cutting every day, for it seemed like the only way for me to go on. And when I don’t cut it consumes my thoughts, when will I cut again? How will I hide it this time? Will it be slow or fast? Thigh or arm? And I miss the security the blade gave me. I miss how I knew that it would protect me from all the evils of this world. I miss how it shut off these demons in my head, giving me a moment of silence. I miss pain. I miss the growl of my stomach and the slight headaches I would get from not eating. I miss how the weight would drop off, reminding me that I was going to be pretty if I kept it up. How if I was thin people would love me and want to be my friend. How those headache and pains would dull out the screaming voices in me telling me I was worthless because I was finally doing something about it. Is it bad that I want to see my bones? When I rub my hands down my body I want to feel my ribs, my hips my wrist and everything else. I want people to love me. I want to stop pushing people away once I get close to them. I want to keep someone in my life for once. I want to be close to someone and talk to them about anything. I want someone to pay attention to me, to let me cry on their shoulder. I want them to notice when something is wrong and ask me if everything’s going to be alright. I want someone to know me better then myself because I don’t know who I am. I feel like in the 18 years of life, I should have an identity and stop feeding off of others emotions like some parasite. I want to stop feeling numb when I am alone, I want to stop crying myself to sleep. And god I just want to feel okay about myself. I’m tired of smoking and wanting to have random sex when I feel destructive. I hate how I miss doing pills and snorting them and doing everything I can to hurt myself. I hate feeling like everyone hates me and is out to get me. I hate feeling self-conscious and I hate how when I feel happy it only last about 5 minutes before I realize that for me happiness will never last. I hate how in all honesty I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have absolutely no clue on how I want to live the rest of my life and how I am constantly second guessing every decision. I hate me and I don’t know if that’s okay or if that’s wrong. But I will never get better. I will never feel okay. Because these demons inside of me will torture me until I slit my wrist vertically. Wow so flash forward and every day I have hated myself more than usual. I feel nothing an it’s like this emptiness is eating me alive and I don’t know whether to classify it as sad but I tell people it’s sad in hopes that they will talk to me but I’m not sad. I don’t feel anything and nothing is distracting me and I’m going crazy. Everyone is ignoring me and it hurts and I keep pushing people away. No one likes me I don’t even know why I try. If I killed myself no one would notice. I just don’t know what to do I hate feeling like I’m nothing. I don’t want to do anything and I got drunk for the first time this weekend and I did some incredibly stupid things. Turns out every part of me becomes even worse and it sucks. I hate myself, I hate myself for being impulsive and moody and for splitting. God I hate hating people for no reason but I just hate them. I hate them so much and I don’t know why. I end up with no one and I can’t talk about how I feel because I will scare them and they will leave and I can’t have them leaving me or ignoring me. What I do share isn’t even the surface but yet the minute I tell them something I push them away so they don’t know more and I hate this. I want someone who will love me and care for me and always be there for me. I want someone to always talk to me and know when I’m sad. To always visit me and to talk to when I need them. I will never find that person. I am destined to be alone it feels like. I almost quit my job today because I can’t take it anymore. I hate it. I hate everything and everyone and I don’t want to do anything. And eating is terrible, I hate eating it makes me feel sick and there’s no point in eating. I don’t know why I do it. So I can get even fatter? You know what’s scary? I keep forgetting things, time keeps going by really fast. It’s like I’m not even living anymore, I am just breathing. It sucks. These feelings suck. I was able to escape them for a couple months, but the minute I stop reading it all comes back. I have also wanted to be more destructive recently. I want to smoke and god cutting. Cutting is much more vivid now. I’ll be driving and I will just think about cutting and the picture of slicing my stomach or hip fills my vision and I miss it. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone if I cut. I can once I get my tattoo. Cutting just made me so much happier and less stressful and I wish I didn’t stop. I also have been missing my ex best friend. I know I can’t ask for her back because she doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want me, she’s forgotten all about me. I was thinking of talking to her until I saw on her snapchat that she hung out with her “squad” and god that filled me with so much rage. I was pissed and I still am when I think about it. Like okay I see how it is. I think that’s why I started to dislike her. I want to be someone’s favorite person and I think that’s why I am so unhappy. I want to be before anyone else and I feel like I will never be someone’s favorite person. I have fp sometimes but then I end up hating them or ditching them because they didn’t make me a priority. Like why can I do everything for you but not get it in return. But at the same time I want that girl to be my friend again but I know it won’t work out because she has other people that she cares about more and I can’t deal with that. Maybe that’s why I have no friends, I’m clingy and annoying and want someone to care about me. One day I will have to settle down for someone who doesn’t care about me as much as I do them. Because I don’t want to be alone. I feel these emotions every day and it’s so fucking exhausting. I am a nut case. Incapable of love. I wish I could be fixed.