The idea of love? yes it brings butterflies to my stomach, I’ve always been the person to tiptoe of the idea of love. I’m fully aware of its significance. On how its capability is beyond what I could think of, its power is endless. 

–and maybe that one reason could suffice all my curiosity as to why I ran away from someone knocking at my door, and that someone is love itself. 

Ironic on how few years back, I told myself that I couldn’t wait for the feeling of loving someone who loves me back wholly. I’ve always been too picky or may I say cautious to people whom I give approval of getting near to this heart of mine, and luckily (well maybe not what I thought of something before) they weren’t the person who had the willpower to continue despite of my approval. And it saved my heart from the potential reciprocated love that I always dreamt of. 

Who would have thought that someone like you would have that willpower so strong that I knew from the start that you’d get in easily yet ironically, you didn’t get the last thing you needed in order to get there, and it was my approval. Your presence was so strong so I signalled those sky high walls to do its job and prevent you from getting in. You might be asking me as to why I’ve done that? Fear maybe, the fear of handling that powerful force called love, or even maybe the fear of getting out of my comfort zone. It’s hard to get out of something you’ve been so used to before. Because I knew that if I’d allow you to continue, everything would change. I’ve been so used to being independent in terms of love that at the sight of you wanting to take out that independency, my defense mechanism was to deny everything, to deny the possibility that I could fall for you. 

You know what? Timing really sucks. You came at the most terrible time. Does that prove that love really comes in the most unexpected time? You came when I fully decided for myself that the least thing I need is to be romantically attached to someone because I know that I need to focus on myself first, I was losing my shit and I never knew that someone would love me when I couldn’t even learn to love myself. And with that, I knew that it is a love that’s true yet I’m sorry I couldn’t give you something I can’t even learn to give myself.

Maybe this is how it is fated to be, maybe I was wrong for thinking you came at the worst timing because one thing is for sure I’m forever grateful that you came into my life and you showered me with all the love you can give because I realized that I ran away from you because I found the need to love myself first and I must take an action upon that choice so that the love you once gave won’t be put to a waste. I’m thanking you for taking the risk of falling for someone like me and for considering that risk as something worth taking. You were different from the others and that was a good thing, you never forced me into something you knew I can’t and was too afraid to do. You never forced me to let myself fall for you. I chose to walk away and I am thankful that you didn’t choose to stay because you thought of me and knew that it would be hard for me if you continued. It was so selfless of you and you don’t know how much I appreciated it. Because with you staying means that I’d let you cling unto something that has no assurance, I chose not to let you stay because it would be selfish of me to let you wait in vain in this unpredictable world.

So just like that, everything ended. Everything ended, when in fact nothing has even started yet. To tell the truth, I have no regrets in what I have done because like what you said love isn’t something that is to be forced and I’m glad I didn’t jump unprepared. If you ever find someone you love that is unlike me whose afraid of taking the risk of falling, I know you would keep her and I know that if I look at her I’d see a girl that has something I chose not to have–and that is you.

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