I loved him more than ANY man I’d ever met. He left me in December, you’d think I would come around, but when you’d lay your life down for that person…it’s terrible remembering what was. What you were promised, what could have been. I was supposed to see a light at the end of the tunnel but it turned out to be a train! To anybody who reads this, just know that he scarred me emotionally, in ways I still can’t bring myself to write or tell, and I have no idea how long this pain will linger for. He literally scarred me for life. So, I’m crying over him again. Not one day/night do I not think of him. Dream of him, and of course bleed my heart out over him. It sucks. I’m sad of course but now I’m at that sad/ANGRY phase. I’m lived, actually. But, time just brings on more memories of us engaged. The way he left me…I know Karma/God or your higher power PUNISHES the ones who do wrong to others… In fact, in fact, I believe. God may be paying him back right to his face as that’s really what I believe evil doers get. It’s even written in the Bible, and god really doesn’t like liars! But enough of that.

I’m filled with so much sadness and betrayal. From all of life’s aspects. I’m living with untreated Lupus, R.A. and severe depression.It’s a killer. My father committed sucide back in June 1999 and I found his corpse in a garden shed. He’d taken so many narcotics with those AM/PM 64 ounce huge cups for cold drinks or hot. He downed over 500 pills with hot coffee since taking those meds with coffee makes it work quicker in your system. The toxicology report noted massive amounts of Asthma inhaler because pills like that shut down your Central nervous system and you can’t breathe. Heartbreaking to know this because it shows he had a change of heart, wanted to live after all but with that much, it was too late! It hurts me most because I needed a dad. I could sure use one now. My mom re-married not even 2 months later and my stepfather killed himself with a Smith & Wesson shotgun. Yes you read that right. We do not know how he pulled it off but it was a total Kurt Cobain. Really. So, two dad’s lost within a 13yr span. Yet I still hold on to God. Most would indeed give up but I KNOW it wasn’t God, as he gave us ALL free will. I don’t blame God, I blame those men…those strong men who weakened so bad that they carelessly and selfishly took themselves out! No, that wasn’t God, that was shitty descison making…bottom line. They were so different too. My biological father was an early highschool drop out who later became a conservative (yet swearing curse words daily, go figure) Born Again Christian…who because a truck driver for MAJOR COMPANIES. He was just book stupid, couldn’t spell…yet he was brilliant… The man thought himself how to make speakers and was recruited by SONY. My dad was scared inside of not having that diploma from highschool and the fact he smelled like a 2nd grader sometimes, I swear on it. Not to be mean but his spelling was BAD!!! I love my dad so I’ll leave it there…

Then mom marries a NASA MATHEMATICIAN!!! Whoa!!! Really. People might think I’m full of shit but he was! Me and my entire  family live in Lancaster CA, we, in the high dessert. He worked at Edwards Air Force Base in the NASA division. So needless to say, life became vastly different! And fast too! We, me and my sister, who were tight as hell as one point at that time. She wasn’t ready for this new version of our mom…because NASA with my stepdad’s paychecks…..well, they made FAR MORE, than what a humble god fearing trucker could make…even though my real dad gave us a very comfortable middle class life.  But very quickly she changed and had so many expensive things. It was nuttier than a payday bar lmao!

Once he passed….wow. He set her up for life.Good, yes but when your on disability and make very little… It’s a totally different going on.  She’s been more than generous with me. I have been blessed but she’s spoiled me a bit because I don’t get to have nicer things. That’s Sweet of her. But I do my best to try ways to not get me things…I just know I love my mom. But Jesus tap cancing Christ, I love her for her. There are some problems but I love her, she’s mom, she’s all I got left in this in this Tiny family of 5. Im just venting. Doing what you do in a journal. 

Peace, hope everybody had a happy 4/20  day lol. 🙂


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