Well, today is the day.  The day i’ve been dreading since i first heard she was coming here.  And, yes, i refer to her as she, saying her name makes her too real.  although, the fact that by the time she leaves, i wont have seen Chris for over a week is very real to me as well.

I feel so…….unsettled, not knowing what the future holds.  If she comes here to live, i know that what Chris and i have is done. and honestly, that will break my heart.  i should know better, i honestly should, there is no place for feelings in my life, i always end up on the losing end of that.  wish i was like some and cold hard hearted, would be so much easier on me.  Its not jealousy, it truly isnt.  because i’m not wishing i was her.  its insecurity that she is better than me, that she can offer him things i cant.  i’m secure in my abilities to serve Him, i know i can serve as He desires.  i know i can offer him what he needs.  what happens in july? does she come here to live? does he want to keep both of us? i cant, i wont do it, i’m sorry, i’m second girl to no one.  i dont mind playing once in a blue moon, but i am not meant to be part of a triad.  i’ve seen first hand the heartache that angela goes through, and that is not for me.  

all i want, just one little cut.  just need to refocus….just need to take a breath, feel the sting and my head will clear.  i dont know how else to do it.  the elastics arent helping today.  maybe i am too high maintenance!  who the hell in their right mind would want to deal with this on a regular maintenance??? Who am i kidding.  maybe i am just meant to always be a “fill in”……maybe that is my place in this life, to fill in for the regular girl when they are absent.  maybe i should try to find a way to come to peace with that.  Would that be so wrong? i guess in some way no, constant variety, laffs, yeah, like i need that.  but it would be filling a need for someone, serving them during their time when they are without.  maybe if i look at it that way….something to think about i guess.  i’ve said, for so long, that maybe i’m just meant to be alone.  maybe its time i accepted it. more to think about…….


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