Late night cries

Just like clockwork, it begins.

My mind wonders away from my work and onto trying to figure out the reasons for each and every bad thing that’s ever happened to me. I know it’s coming but something keeps me from breaking routine.

A tear drops down my cheek, I wonder why I’m alone in this? Why isn’t there someone I can run to right now for help? I know there are people who care about me, but not in the way I need.

I want to be loved, as pathetic as that sounds.

I know what I believe, that the ultimate prize in life is to find your soulmates, your true companion, people and friendships that make you feel safe and secure. And I also know what I have, or rather don’t have.

I wonder how long it’ll be til I learn to move past the gaping hole in my chest. The vast gap left from years of bad relationships and self-doubt. I know I need to trust and love myself first. But how can I do that when every single time I finally begin to feel like I can be happy again, something goes wrong.

First it was my love life, but I always had my grades and my music, but then just like that the grades began to slip away. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t keep it. I feel as though I’ve reached my optimum in that sense, which is an awful feeling when you hoped for a career in academic research.

My music, what music? My singing voice is destroyed from reckless drinking and smoking, both things I have cut back on now, but it’s too late! The damage is done and I now really do have nothing.

So why bother being good? (I’ll expand on this soon)

I won’t go into family because I am so tired of letting them take over every aspect of my life. This is about me.

I hope this helps me sleep easy.


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