Nothing like the first time.


My best kiss was with my long distance ex before we were together, because it was natural.

I didn’t know it was going to happen until he was centimeters away from my face. We were sitting in a bed in the hotel room me and my mom were staying in. We were cuddling first, then my mom left the room and we sat up. And I don’t remember what was said exactly. But he gently held both my hands, and leaned in close and whispered “Yeah.” and it sent chills down my spine in the best way. The tone of his voice said it all. I wanted him to kiss me so bad. I was nervous and felt butterflies. He was so beautiful to look at. His eyes were so gentle and a lovely shade of hazel. His lips, perfect, so close. Then he placed them softly over mine. That was the first time I felt the “fireworks” I felt my heart break out of my chest. I wanted him so bad. Then we parted and I was almost breathless, but I wanted to breathe, so I could kiss him again. He smiled and said he was sorry, and I told him it was okay. But it was more then okay. I never wanted him to stop. I told him his hands were sweaty and he lost his cool and quickly took his hands away to wipe them on his jeans and apologized again. I noticed his eyes were watery, but we fought so much over whether they were watery or not months later when we were together, I’m not sure if I was seeing things, and that kind of makes me sad. But when I asked him if he was okay he said

“Yeah, It’s just been awhile since I felt like this.”

I don’t remember exactly what happened right after that but seconds later we were kissing again. 

That same day we had fallen asleep in public, on a bench, in a museum.

We had just been friends before that day.

We broke up recently. I cheated. We were together for two years and I started becoming insecure over nothing. It’s all my fault. I don’t want him back. I was never good enough for him. He deserves the best. And I’m nothing. But he never made me feel unwanted. I just couldn’t get over my terrible past relationships. And I wasn’t ready for such a star of a human. I still love him. But I’m letting it fade. 

That kid saved me, loved me, held me, cried for me, fought for me, cuddled with me, kissed me everywhere, showed me off, talked everyone’s ear off about me, cherished me, adored me, slept with me, made me feel beautiful at my lowest,  and I fucked it all up.

I fucked up what could have been a good future. 

All because I’m insecure. 

The worst part is, after I told him what I did 5 days after it happened, after I broke up with him, he didn’t say anything, I asked to Skype and he agreed, and he said

“I wanted all the details, I don’t wanna forget this face.”

I pointed out a pimple on my nose and he said 

“You’re still beautiful.”

I fucking adore you. Fucking always. I’m always gonna be yours. My heart is always yours.


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