I didn’t  think I’d get to sleep last night or if I did it would be broken and I wouldn’t get the mental and physical rest I so desperately need and crave…….but sleep I did, straight away, 10.30, bang gone, exhausted. My head is so full of it that if I start talking about it I can’t stop and the only person I have here who I can partially do that with is my amazing husband, but the poor bloke is exhausted too, exhausted with worry for me, with anger, frustration, his own anxieties and demons from his past so I can’t let it all go…..but I feel there’s no stopping it, I really was dreading trying to sleep whilst silently sobbing, knowing he knows I’m crying and in desperate pain and he can’t help me so I hear him silently crying too……how my heart aches and aches and aches. I’m broken.

We went to bed after our fuses had been sparked hugely by a visit from my sister and brother in law to celebrate me getting the all clear about my heart from the hospital, but I wasn’t in a celebratory mood and neither was my husband, we wanted to quietly together enjoy the fact that that massive burden and worry had been taken off our shoulders and we could now wholly concentrate on getting this out of me, the reasons I ended up in A & E in the first place. But as usual (hence the reason we avoid spending time with them) they was only going to stop an hour because I told her we were exhausted and ending up staying 3 hours during which time as they do every time, they just talked about themselves, brother in law kept helping himself to my hubbys beer (not a problem if offered but you don’t just take and sit in my house drinking our beer when you can see we’ve had enough of looking at bloody idiotic YouTube videos and you two singing songs from the 70’s!) Jesus Christ my head hurts!

I’d called my sister yesterday to tell her the results and rightly so, she was the one who thank god was there for me that day, the day when I thought I was going to implode, spontaneously combust and felt there was nowhere to go and no one to help me, she was there. I love my sister so much, sounds bloody patronising doesn’t it after I’ve just said how they did our heads in last night, my sister individually as well as with her husband? 

Me and my sister have historically never really got on but have always held extremely deep love for each, a unique love, I would’ve killed for sister if necessary….dare anyone hurt my sister…………………….but she hurts me, always has and it still hurts even now at this age.


im tired, I so want to do this but am so tired, it’s going to take forever!

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