I am so completely disgusted with myself. I am a washed out drunk. I hate my job, I hate my coworkers, i hate my life. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, and I do not believe there is any relief in sight. This is all my life is or ever will be. I have worked hard my whole life and never accomplished anything. I used to believe in God and I would pray and go to church and worship. I surrendered myself, I volunteered, I gave money I didn’t really have to spare. I did EVERYTHING  I thought would win God’s favor, but it didn’t amount to squat. I lost everything and now I just live to pay rent and eat. that’s all life is, that’s all life has been for the past 10 years.nothing is going to change that. Certainly not God. i drink every day just to numb myself from the frustration of a shitty job, and the fact that I can barely survive. Every night I go to bed hoping I will not wake up in the morning. I really really hate myself. 

2 thoughts on “I HATE MYSELF.”

  1. You and I seem to be on very similar journeys. I also despise myself, and until about seven months ago, I drank very heavily. Vodka, an entire litre bottle or a fifth at minimum once a week, every week. That was after I’d moved in with my parents–before that, I drank heavily 2-3, sometimes four times a week. I, too, struggle with feeling like I have to earn God’s favor; this was an issue for me in the past, as far as I can remember, and now.

    You said you ‘used’ to believe in God, but you still don’t believe that He’ll help you now–does that mean you actually do still believe in Him, even if only a little? I hope it does. I also hope that you journaling publicly is a cry for help, even if it’s a subconscious one, a sliver of hope that things can still be turned around for you.

    I’ll pray for you. If you’re able to see a counselor, I would highly recommend it. If you can’t find one you like right away, keep looking. Also, I think it would serve you well to pray. God already knows everything you’re thinking; He knows that you feel hopeless, alone, like nobody cares, including Him.

    I hope you can find some relief!

  2. God is your hope, my friend. Don’t give up on the One who loves you with all His heart—Jesus. Talk to Him and know that He is listening. Just ask Him for HELP. He will help. Open your heart to Him again and He will gladly be there for you. Drinking may hurt your body in the long run, but God doesn’t judge you for drinking. He knows why you do, and he cares. Blessings to you. I pray for changes and a fresh start.

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