WordVomit2

I am filled with so much rage. Rage I cannot control, that comes at the worst time.  I hate everyone and I don’t understand why. I hate it when people leave me and find others to replace me. I hate crying and feeling worthless because I am all alone. How can I talk to someone who doesn’t understand how I am feeling? How my emotions are so intense and destructive and take over my wellbeing? I just want to cut or feel some type of pain to get rid of this intensity. I want to cry and call out but know I can’t because I will be judged. Because no one will understand how I am utterly exhausted from this battle that I deal with every day; and for the first time I have felt something snap inside of me and it’s terrifying. I don’t understand.  I saw my ex best friend take pictures with a fake liar. She’s replaced me.  She isn’t going to come back to me. She found someone else to be her best friend. And that filled with so much rage and I snapped. I want to see her suffer. I want to see her hurting and confused. I want something to break her. Is that wrong of me to think that? I just don’t understand why she didn’t see something wrong with me. Why she didn’t ask me what was happening inside my head. I know I act different when my BPD flares up, when it gets out of control. Why didn’t she see that? Am I invisible? You know people ignore me at school, I’ll say something and they will completely ignore me.  And that makes me so angry. Why am I not enough? Are my words not important? Why can’t anyone see that something is wrong with me? I don’t want to broadcast it, I don’t want someone to outright say it. I want them to help me. Why am I not enough? Why can’t I be important? Why can they not see when I have panic attacks? Why don’t they notice when I go silent? When I’m silent I’m battling these thoughts and urges. This demon that is constantly reoccurring.  Why do they not notice that I’m silent I am to the verge of panicking. To cutting. When I look at scissors or blade I think about cutting myself to release these emotions that never have a grey area. I am so scared. I have battled these thoughts all my life, since I was ten. And no one has noticed. Why am I invisible? Why will no one help me? Am I not worth it? Why do I battle these things alone? Why can I never form coherent thoughts, why am I so scattered brained. Something inside of me has snapped. This anger is out of control. And I am alone and scared.

One thought on “WordVomit2”

  1. Hey, I have been through a similar situation when I was younger and honestly it was hard. I suffered though it alone and now 11 years later I am finally really dealing with my problems. Get out your anger and sadness find someone to trust. The worst thing to do is just let these thought go on in your head and try to deal with it alone. Just know your not alone and if you nees to talk I can be a lending ear.

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP