I am filled with so much rage. Rage I cannot control, that comes at the worst time. I hate everyone and I don’t understand why. I hate it when people leave me and find others to replace me. I hate crying and feeling worthless because I am all alone. How can I talk to someone who doesn’t understand how I am feeling? How my emotions are so intense and destructive and take over my wellbeing? I just want to cut or feel some type of pain to get rid of this intensity. I want to cry and call out but know I can’t because I will be judged. Because no one will understand how I am utterly exhausted from this battle that I deal with every day; and for the first time I have felt something snap inside of me and it’s terrifying. I don’t understand. I saw my ex best friend take pictures with a fake liar. She’s replaced me. She isn’t going to come back to me. She found someone else to be her best friend. And that filled with so much rage and I snapped. I want to see her suffer. I want to see her hurting and confused. I want something to break her. Is that wrong of me to think that? I just don’t understand why she didn’t see something wrong with me. Why she didn’t ask me what was happening inside my head. I know I act different when my BPD flares up, when it gets out of control. Why didn’t she see that? Am I invisible? You know people ignore me at school, I’ll say something and they will completely ignore me. And that makes me so angry. Why am I not enough? Are my words not important? Why can’t anyone see that something is wrong with me? I don’t want to broadcast it, I don’t want someone to outright say it. I want them to help me. Why am I not enough? Why can’t I be important? Why can they not see when I have panic attacks? Why don’t they notice when I go silent? When I’m silent I’m battling these thoughts and urges. This demon that is constantly reoccurring. Why do they not notice that I’m silent I am to the verge of panicking. To cutting. When I look at scissors or blade I think about cutting myself to release these emotions that never have a grey area. I am so scared. I have battled these thoughts all my life, since I was ten. And no one has noticed. Why am I invisible? Why will no one help me? Am I not worth it? Why do I battle these things alone? Why can I never form coherent thoughts, why am I so scattered brained. Something inside of me has snapped. This anger is out of control. And I am alone and scared.