Day 34 – Tired

These days I’ve been feeling tired almost all the time, and I don’t seem to be able to do anything at all. My heart feels burdened and so does my soul, and I yet need to figure out the source of these feelings. I still need to figure out a solution, but a solution is looming in the way, and I know that for every problem there is indeed a solution. I also know that if I put in the effort and not give up on fixing myself, I’ll eventually be able to reach my goal of becoming happy again.

I’ve been enjoying reading tremendously lately. If it was up to me, I’d spend all the time just reading, drawing, and doing creative stuff. Yes, I feel burdened by the demands of this life. In college, I feel burdened by my classes because I feel like they’re limiting although at times they’re also very useful. For example, in sculpture, I like to use various materials in my work, but throughout the semester, we hardly been able to do that. The main concentration was just on one material, or else, we were asked to use whatever materials we like, but we needed to finish the work in a very limiting time. Also, unexpectedly, there wasn’t any attention given to the concept and ideas behind the work we did in my sculpture class this semester. There was more attention given to technique, and I would have liked a balance.

Yes, and I can’t stop thinking about him. He invades my thoughts and I detest it, and yet, I can’t seem to be able to do anything about that.
I want to change so desperately, but all the doors are locked or otherwise, I simply can’t figure out how to open them. So I’m stuck in this rotten hole I made for myself.
But I’m also hopeful. So hopeful that I really expect, anticipate, and know that things will change very soon. I will be very happy indeed. Although it’s hard for me to see, things are changing. At the time being, I only feel like they’re changing to the worse, but that may not be the case. I can still motivate an immediate and sudden transformation that will pull me out of hell and take me to heaven.

But I promise myself that very soon, and I mean it, I will become a new person. I will devote myself to those things that matter and dispel from myself everything else; my obsessions, addictions, procrastination, etc.

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