Grief Has No Expiration!

You are gone from this world, but you are not gone from my memories. I pick up my phone to call you, or I think of something and grab my cell to text you. I take a picture of something and my first thought is dad would like this and I go to send it, then reality hits and the pain enter my heart as painfully as it did the moment you took your last breath.

The image I carry of you is not that of your passing, but of you smiling at something the girls have done. You told me countless times over you did not want to hurt us or have the image of you dying stuck in our heads forever. I can assure you what are stuck in my head are my wonderful memories of you and that is why my pain and grief run so deep.

I can’t think of you and not cry yet, I miss you like I have never missed anyone before. Nothing prepares you for the death of a parent. Nothing in life can ever repair that loss. It’s like having a major hole in your heart that nothing can fill.

I think about you often, prior to you getting worse, you knew, and you talked to us all one by one. You spent time apologizing to me. Wishing you had been a better father. Not having you in our lives when we were younger hurt,  but the time I had you with you as an adult more than made up for anything loss. I tried to assure you off that because I truly meant it. I would not give up my time with you as an adult for any childhood memory. I think it’s what brought us closer and made me love and respect you more.

I don’t talk to anyone much about my feelings because for some reason some people think grief should have an expiration date. I have some wonderful memories of you, Dad, ones that can never be replaced and taken from me.

I think my oldest hurts a lot, you always thought she never had time for you. Her selfish acts of not contacting you and being a good granddaughter have left her with many regrets she will sadly have to live with.  She learned the hard way not to always believe a certain someone’s stories.  The youngest misses you a lot. She brings up you two fishing each time we are out. She is often saying, Grandpa would have liked this. 

She misses you, I miss you, you’re so missed and that’s what hurts. But you’re not suffering, you’re at peace and that is what gives me the only comfort in this. I just have a hard time dealing with you being gone, I don’t feel as if I ever had enough time with you. My dad, my rock, the only person who was always there for me, even when I was selfish or a bitch through my teenage years, you always loved us.

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