I recently read PrettyInBlack’s entry and it took me back, to older, darker times, to another self. I don’t have much time for proper story entries to my journal these days, but I might have a little time to reminisce.
She will be loved
How often have I listened to this song playing on the TV while I was curled up in my chair, quietly sobbing. My clothes were dark and my wrists were slit. I could not imagine ever being loved by anyone like the woman in that song. Well, how could I? I had shut the world out, had closed my eyes and and kept repeating to myself that noone would ever want me. Of course there was no prince on a white horse miraculously appearing inside my room, where I spent most of my days, because I could not stand watching the people outside, seeing how happy they were. They confused me.
As if being stuck in a cocoon, I was constantly destroying and reforming myself, focused inwards, blind to the world out there.
Sometimes I wonder how much this time which I hardly think of now has influenced what I have become. Would I be a different person, not having gone through these years of isolation and self inflicted insecurity? If I had gotten the people – distant friends, classmates – I had secretly had a crush on over all these years?
Once I had found out what I had the potential to become, my first goal was to make them see what they had missed. To make them regret. And oh, they did. All of them, they came to me, told me they were sorry, they had had no idea, they had been stupid, could there be a chance now, maybe? My desire for their repentance satisfied, I turned them down, but I am still friends with many of them.
There is one man who never came back, mainly because we just never met afterwards until years after, when I had already known the Witcher. He somehow soothes me, makes my pursuit of making people love me less interesting. While the Knight had always encouraged my sense for drama, the Witcher makes it seem so futile. I have no wish to go out hunting anymore, nothing to prove to myself. Maybe this is what I have been looking for, and after all this time, I had found it.
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I don’t mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pourin’ rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved, and she will be loved
– Maroon 5 –