It is time everyone else lets my past go…..

It has come to my attention that even after nearly 20 years, people are still VERY interested in my decisions I have made for all 4 of my children…. So I hope this helps with your curiosity, anger, judgement, and apparent hurt that I caused you.

It is no secret that I made a ton of bad choices in life, I ran away from responsibility and I allowed alcohol and people dictate who I was. I drank to numb the unbelievable pain I experienced. I was 24 when my first daughter was born… I was in no way ready for that responsibility, and then I added a marriage, another new born and then a sudden divorce to the mix…. and then it was all swallowed down with a beer or a Jack and Coke…..

One night I did not think of consequences…. one night of selfishness created such a beautiful little life with my son. I got the conformation that he indeed was on his way; I was devastated to say the least… I was even counseled by a few to have an abortion and no one would have to know. But I knew I would know… and I knew Jesus would know.

I was so scared, I knew I couldn’t take care of him the way he deserved. I made a deal with his adoptive parents that I would try to raise him, but if I realized that it was not what was best for him I would call them immediately. Three months to the day that he was born, which happened to to be Father’s Day 99′, I handed a man his new son, a man that suffered 11 miscarriages over a 7 years time…. a man who cried like a baby knowing that God answered his prayer… A couple married for 12 years, settled, both with very professional jobs and the means to give Brennan every opportunity he deserved and continues to deserve.

When I got pregnant with Megan I was still mourning the loss of Brennan and my girls. I was 30 and I felt I had to prove I was a good mother… even if it was to myself. Looking back now, I know it was another childish and selfish reason to create a life. I was with a huge loser and I was just thinking about me. Megan was different cause I was determined I would not got thru losing another child again… I couldn’t, I knew it would kill me emotionally.

Her father was the only man to ever lay hands on me, and he was very abusive. He threatened me so many times that he would try to kill me or her. He would torment me with fear daily… he would say he would cut her up and I would have to put her back together again… he was sick and crazy! He is now in the Ionia State Prison for STABBING his mother repeatedly and for kidnapping her and holding her prisoner for over 8 hours. (But they think I am the monster…. )

Now before you jump off your high horse of judgement, I was so scared of him…I knew I couldn’t protect us the way I needed to. However, I needed to do something…. Megan’s biological aunt and uncle on her father’s side were her Godparents…Her mom was my childcare provider and they were extremely close to us both. They helped me leave and get on my feet. They helped me be a better mom… and things were good. Till her dad was released from jail, and it all started again. I started leaving Megan with them, cause I knew they could protect Megan… I turned to alcohol to numb the pain and nightmare I was living.

I was depressed, suicidal, alone, and I was useless…. I remember sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor in the dark, just sobbing knowing in my heart, I had to let her go….

I approached the aunt and uncle and asked them if they would be interested in adopting Megan. I explained my concerns and I knew it would be a smoother transition for Megan. She had her own room already there… I relinquished her at 18 months old.

They were another couple who had been married for 8 or 10 years, she had to have a hysterectomy early in life and was unable to bare a child. It was as if it was meant to be…. both times…

After the decision was made, I started going to church and started to try to rebuild my life… it has not been easy…I have made a lot of mistakes… I ran to Georgia thinking it would be a fresh start…. but really I was running right to all my junk… and then I isolated myself.
I haven’t been a good daughter, sister, cousin, niece, aunt and most importantly and most sadly a mother. However, I have been consistent in my girls life the last 5 years or so. I am doing my very best to make up for lost time. But that is all I can do.

It pisses me off that people still want to punish me and hold things against me all these years later. Everyone says move forward, stop dwelling on the past; but that is hard when I have people whom I haven’t talked to in decades keep discussing my life…. I have been told that I have no idea what I did to them when I gave my children up…. WHOA…. try being me!!! I am their mother… ALL FOUR OF THEM!!!

Giving up one child is heartbreaking, and you suffer grief and shame for years… can YOU even imagine what I have felt with 4??? No one ever talks about my accomplishments, just that I am the black sheep, screw up, the embarrassment, and the big disappointment of the family.

I have learned a lot in the last 15 years, as well as, I have been sober for 15 years this December, and I am proud of myself. I am not a quitter, I always get back up…. These people making a judgement on me DON’T KNOW ME NOW. Sadly, no one in my family and many of my friends don’t really TRULY know me. They know my reputation of years ago…

This is the bottom line…. I have forgiven myself, I am happy and I am ok with who I am today. I WILL NOT let anyone steal my joy or minimize my accomplishments. I am NOT the same person, but maybe you still are…..

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