Listening to music makes me sad.
It’s not because I don’t like music, because I do, and it’s not because I listen to sad songs, because I (generally) don’t. It’s simply the fact that I can listen to music that I heard when I was just a little elementary school kid in a typical Virginian suburb, that makes me sad.
Along with binge-watching two seasons of Bones, Doctor Who, and House in like three days (don’t judge me), I have also been binge-LISTENING to music. Old music. Old songs. You know how there are some songs, that make you immediately think of other times and other places? Sudden smells, sudden sights, sudden feelings.
It’s just that I’ve been having these bursts of extreme sentimentality/nostalgia, and somehow want to find all those old strains of music that were so familiar to me. You know, songs from the early-to-mid-2000’s that a little Chinese-American girl with a teenage sister would be likely to hear, on the radio, on TV, or in Hollister and Abercrombie when her sister went shopping. Songs like Norah Jones’ “Don’t Know Why”, or Yael Naim’s “New Soul”, or KT Tunstall’s songs “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”, “Under the Weather”, “Other Side of the World”, and “Suddenly I See”, and Maroon 5’s “Won’t Go Home Without You” and “She Will Be Loved”. Songs by people like Avril Lavigne (oh, how many of her songs have I got stuck in my head forever, just because we used to have one of her CDs at home) and Kelly Clarkson (whom I remember well, because she was on American Idol, which I loved when I was six years old and dreaming of becoming a pop singer) and Nelly Furtado, and (very early and young, still normal) Miley Cyrus and…oh, I don’t even know who else. All those radio-friendly, soft-rock songs that you could easily hear on any music-playing station–I just suddenly want to hear them.
And then, of course, there were those songs my sister used to hear when she was shopping in her beloved Hollister and Abercrombie. I remember being completely confused as to why she liked those stores so much, when they were so dark, and so strong-smelling (in a nice way, but still kind of strong) and so LOUD. Blasting music nonstop. But I remember the music, you know–those alt-rock or dance songs by those fresh-faced boy bands, with weird names like Metro Station, Cobra Starship, All-Time Low, All-American Rejects, Yellowcard…I remember very chance lyrics, choruses from those songs, like “do you feel like a man when you push her around?” (from a song by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus) and “I feel like a hero, and you are my heroine”, “Won’t be seventeen forever, but we can get away with this tonight”, “Shake shake, shake shake, shake it!” It’s curious how I remember those single lines from songs that were recorded years ago, as long as ten years ago, maybe.
And when I sit there, in my room, on my swivel chair, and listen to these songs–whether they’re cheerily, harmlessly poppy and meaningless, or loud and spirited and brash and youthful–and I feel sad. I feel like crying, somehow, even though my eyes are completely dry, and it’s simply because I have grown and changed so much that I don’t even…it feels like it’s someone else listening to these songs. I feel very, very far away from that tiny little kid listening to those songs on the bus, in the mall–and now here I am, listening to them again on the other side of the world. I don’t even know how to say it. It’s just sad.
It’s raining today, which is part of the reason why I feel so down. So don’t mind me, I’m just having yet another nostalgic moment. How nostalgic will I feel when I am eighty years old! I’m already sad thinking of good past times, and I’m only sixteen (seventeen at the end of August).
Anyway, have a good Monday, people, and stay chill.