I love my mom, I really do. She’s one of my best friends. I don’t know where I would be without her. And I know she only has the best of intentions, I truly do. She has an amazing heart, so I know she would never do anything she knew hurt. I’ve been working hard on being vulnerable and open with others as to how I’m feeling and such. Tonight a song was sung on The Voice. And I told my mom that song made me cry for like 3 months, and still hits every once in awhile. It got us chatting about things. She was really just trying to help, but just like so many others, it just didn’t help. She went off on a tangent (kind of as usual) and went her own way. I’d try to say something and she would interrupt. And it would go far away from what I was trying to say. I honestly don’t remember the last time she asked me how I was doing. Not just surface ‘how are you today?’ but a deep, ‘how are you doing with everything?’. I honestly don’t remember the last time anyone other than my therapist asked me that. And that’s really hard. I know she was there through everything and by my side the whole year. So, I know she had things to work through too. But even she is caught up in the happenings. I know she cares about me, so deeply. But she doesn’t see how I’m doing or ask. She went off about ‘he is ___’ or ‘he’s so messed up, he doesn’t know what real is’. She was so caught up in him, I almost feel like I get lost in it all. I wanted to tell her, my therapist said I need to start telling people. And I wanted to. I just couldn’t bring myself to say that to her. It’s hard when I know she’s doing what she thinks is best. I know I need to communicate what I need, but that’s just so difficult. Maybe I should text it to her if it’s too hard to do in person, or maybe I should just leave things as they are. I can live, it’s not a super big deal.
People are so interested in what happened, how it happened. They want the juicy details, the interesting gossip. They don’t want to see or help the broken person behind the messed up, almost unrealistic and impossible situation. I guess maybe it’s extra hard cause I’ve never heard of anyone going through anything remotely similar. People are always telling me it sounds like a book or a movie, when truly, I lived through it. No one’s been through what I have, so it’s hard for them to know what to say. It’s hard for people to understand, and I truly don’t think anyone really can understand it. I don’t think I even understand it all. And that’s pretty hard. I wish in those moments, people would ask me what they could do, how they could support me, or simply just ask me how I’m doing with it all. I think I just get lost in it all. It’s just hard when I want someone to see me in my brokenness and not lose me in the situation. I wish they were more interested in how I am, and less in the details of what happened. I realize the latter can be more interesting, but it makes it harder for me. It’s just so hard when I’m trying to step out and be more vulnerable and open, but then people just don’t understand and it makes things worse. Then it seems much more appealing to keep it to myself.
My emotions have been pretty weird the last month and a half. And they’ve been confusing me like crazy. I seem okay in my daily life, things don’t seem as bad. But then a song hits a nerve and I break down. Or I sit here and start writing and I cry. But especially when I see my therapist, I become a total wreck. I always bawl my eyes out when I see her. I don’t know why that is. Sometimes I can have a conversation about it with people and be totally fine. But other times it gets brought up, and I feel like I’m gonna cry, or I just excuse myself and take some alone time. I just wish I knew why. It’s just so frustrating. I’ve tried a few times to make myself cry, because I tend to feel better after, but lately it’s been getting harder to make myself cry. I know that’s probably a good thing and I should be embracing it, but sometimes I feel like I just need it and can’t. Sometimes I feel so good walking into an appointment, then cry my eyes out. I just don’t understand that, and I truly wish I did.
This whole thing has affected me worse than I even know. And that’s almost a scary thought. I don’t even know to the extent this has broken me. I find more brokenness each and every day. I don’t even get butterflies when a really cute guy puts his arm around me anymore. It doesn’t put a smile on my face when I get a cute text. I don’t get excited to see a message from ‘that’ guy. I can’t even say I have ‘that’ guy because I’m too messed up to even feel anymore. And that is SO freaking hard. I want to like someone as more than a friend, but that seems impossible. I push guys away so quickly. One little thing, and I push them away and back way off. And I never used to do that. I don’t want to do that. I just hate it all so much. I want to be able to feel again. I want to feel butterflies when a guy brushes his hand across my back, or when we kiss for the first time. I just don’t want to be numb anymore. I keep thinking I’m over the numbness then something happens, and I’m reminded that the numbness isn’t gone. I’ve just been good at suppressing it all, and pushing it all aside. It’s almost harder trying to let myself think about it and process it, because I’m so used to quickly pushing it aside to not deal with it. I’ve been able to put a smile on and be generally happy. Even with a deep brokenness, I’ve been able to feel happy, and love for friends and experiences. I’ve been able to feel passionate about some things (friendships and philosophy). It’s almost upsetting know how normal it has become for me to know that deep down, I’m entirely shattered. But it doesn’t even phase me anymore, really. I can function so normally, so outgoing and happy, just like everything is a-okay. And that’s just so sad…
Something that came into my mind tonight is a challenging, but comforting thought. I’ve really struggled with my faith through this all. As a Christian, my faith has fluctuated. My belief never did, but my active faith and relationship with God have really suffered. And that sucks. It truly does. It took me awhile to go back to church after I hadn’t due to him. I’ve had God affirm and reveal Himself to me in some pretty incredible ways. No way it was a coincidence. I know it was God showing Himself to me. It was very accurate, but hard. My faith rose and fell again. I mean, I’ve got all the excuses in the book. Too tired, not enough time, blah blah. I know it’s me making excuses, but my faith has been on the backburner for so long that it’s hard to bring it to the forefront again. I pray sometimes, ask for forgiveness and try hard, but then I find myself sliding backwards. It’s hard. I don’t think I was ever mad at God for what I went through, I was more hurt. I was sad and hurt that He would let me go through that. I was hurt for all the times I felt alone. I was hurt that there weren’t more signs telling me to get out. I was hurt He let it go on for a year. I was just so hurt and so confused. I didn’t understand how that was God’s plan. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that my experience will enable me to help others better in the future. But, it’s so hard when my own faith is suffering so much. It’s hard to get back on track. It’s hard to be living without my faith, but not knowing where to turn to help bring it back. Tonight, when talking with my mom, I was ready to explain how no one understands, because no one went through it. Then a sudden thought came into my heart and mind saying that God had been there. That He had seen it all with me. And that meant a lot. I felt somewhat comforted, but then also felt bad and guilty all at the same time. I was happy knowing He had been by my side all along, but then I feel bad for not having a strong faith or relationship with God. Feel bad for not having thanked Him enough for being there. I know I can’t be fully okay without Jesus helping to fix me. He’s the only one who can fix my shattered heart and soul piece by piece. I know I can’t do it myself. But for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to strengthen my faith. Maybe it’s the guilt, I’m not sure.
I just wish everything was okay. I wish my heart and soul were whole again. I wish I went whole days without even a twinge of hurt. I wish things were okay. I wish I didn’t have to hurt anymore, I’m just so sick of being hurt and confused. I wish it was all gone.