To My Most Cherished Demon

It’s said that the demons that we have we choose, and I definitely have chosen you. 

I’ve let every bone in my body ache from the pain that you have caused me, and even now that we are together again I feel incomplete. I feel as if the broken pieces that had laid shattered across the ground were put back together, but not in their proper places. So again I feel whole, as if every piece has found a new home, but that they haven’t found where they belong. And as the days go by and the words continue to shatter the already shattered pieces, they move and find more places to haunt and fill the void of emptiness I feel… but the emptiness is simply filled with more brokenness. 

It’s shitty really, to sit here and have to question every fiber of my being. To question if I love you, or if I am in love with you. Because I can love you and let you go. I can love you and know that deep down inside you are the kryptonite to my soul. You are my darkest demon, but the one that I would choose everyday. I would take a thousand hours of pain for one moment of love and acceptance from you. Just to hear the words, “I love you,” I would allow you to repeatedly damage me, but is that really love? And is that love that is worth it? 

Sometimes I question if demons are actually really good for us. They teach good lessons, allow us to see the changes, and the people that we become to conform to those demons. I choose you, and you never choose me. “Just break up with me then,” you scream as I complain about the sacrifice it takes choosing you, and the lack of sacrifice that is reciprocated to me. 

I know you love me, I know who I love, and that man has been gone for a couple of months. You too were infested with a demon, but her demon, not mine. Which demon are you going to choose? This spiritual battle is one I can’t do much longer. I need you to want me, I need you to choose me…Because the three months of pain and ignoring, and you choosing her was the best and worst time of my life. Because at least I knew where your heart was, at least you weren’t trying to confuse me…but you are confused, and that’s okay.

But me, me choosing you as my demon…That is no longer okay. I am stronger than ever before, and it’s time to let my demons go. Become my saving grace, not my destruction. 

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