yet another night that im up late trying to sleep and my mind wanders to fantasy worlds and memories going back and forth and then it stops on one and that gets me thinking what is love and can i even do it? it may seem weird and you may think im being some teen going on and on about a boy but im not im talking about real love like between mother and child and family and friends.
the other day my moms boyfriend whos been around since before we were born he is not our father and we weren’t that close to him but none the less he was there and dating my grandmother and no we arent a red neck family where moms share there boyfriends with there daughters yuck simply put he was way younger then my nana and they broke up and my mom started talking and clicked and there more in the same age range and they talked to my nana about it and everything was ok plus she got back with her high school blah blah blah any way back to the main point we were all talking and laughing and i said something to him playfully mean and he said “you know you love me” i froze up so badly luckily before he even could finished my mom chimed in “dont feel bad if she doesnt say it back she never does” and she was right but she doesnt realize why i dont its because i dont know what love is i know your supposed to love your mom and family but im not sure if i do or can and it scares me what if im one of those people you hear about who cant emotionally feel like most can and the kills someone and i feel like a jerk when i dont say it back but it also feels like im lying to them and that its forced and i hate that feeling more then not saying it back luckily ive not had to go through that with a guy yet seeing as how ive never been that close with one and i dont have friends stay around long enough to get to the point where i have to say it. at first i thought maybe i froze up was because ive never been good around guys and dont know how i should act dad was never around was always a female house.
i want to love and know what it should feel like and i want to be happy and not feel like im hurting someone when i dont say it back or feel like im lying to them i dont like being different.