My first one…

I am beyond annoyed, hurt and done with all this b.s. Fred continues to break me in a million different ways. I didn’t cook the meatloaf right tonight.  The house is cluttered I know but I am trying to get stuff moved out of it. Most of this shit is his. And because we have 3 kids together anything of there’s is automatically mine which makes the messes of toys all mine. Its all my fault on everything. When is life with him going to get better??? I am so worn out. I absolutely feel drained in everyway. I have been with him for 9yrs and its a fucking roller coaster. More downs then ups that’s for sure. I just hate how I let my life turn out. He yells that I’m just like my mom, lmao!!!! My mom would whoop his ass for how he acts. She never would put up with crap day in and day out. Being called fat names ugly names telling me how much he hates me. Shit I try to shut up at first then I try to explain then I’m just like him. I stoop so low everytime I be mean right back. I hate calling him names I hate being so hateful. Its not me. I hate that part of me. I hate that I know how to deal with it and instead I throw my tools out the window and get my crazy on. Wtf I know better. I have only myself to blame. Two wrongs don’t make it right. During an argument I feel justified, feeling that  yup he is being mean to me. He is breaking me down piece by fucking piece and I think well game on asshole and I let me tongue take control. Its wrong. I am not justified I am not happy with what I have done so many times. one day it will all change. I will get to move tk a wonderful ranch with a handsome cowboy  lol I read to much. Fucking romance books are so dreamy  I get caught up everytimem wishing I lived back in the old days. 1400’s 1700’s how cool would that be? Eeekkkk (: a courtship, the promise of a handshake. The love that burns deep in your soul. Gut wrenching butterflies making you jump for joy. True love. Maybe one day but honestly I don’t see fred ever really loving me. Goodnight. 

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