It’s been a bad day for pain… fatigue…. depression and anxiety. In my head I can make all the plans in the world, but my body refuses to cooperate; when it has had enough, it has had enough!
I managed to get dressed for part of the day, I made a plan to clean house and to even make my bed…. however, as soon as I got dressed that was it…. nothing else is happening. I slept yesterday for 3 hours with a nap, then I slept 8 hours last night…. only to turn around and sleep 3 more hours today…. and I am so ready to crawl under my blankets and sleep. I am beyond exhausted.
I hate this. It is no life. I am just existing. My mind plays tricks on me. Anxiety runs crazy. I am not in control of anything in my body as it would seem. I pray. I cry. And I pray some more.
However, here I am feeling like I have been beat with a baseball bat from head to toe, electric currents running up and down my legs and feet…. I feel like I have ants all over me…all the while my skin is red and hot like I am sun burned…. My head hurts and I am so nauseous … All my joints are swollen and achy.
Then the anxiety taunts me all day… I think I am dying, I just know it…. the rapid heart beat, the shaking and cold hands, the numbness in my face, hands and throat…. tears continue to flow with no stopping in sight.
Meanwhile, I am screaming at myself inside that I am better than this, that I am fine… I cry out the name of Jesus, I recite scriptures, I feel like I am in the struggle of my life… as if I am fighting to survive….It is my reality, my truth, fight.
As I see it I have 2 choices, I can fight or I can give up and let the disease take me down. I have walked through hell already in my life; NOTHING has come easy for me… nor do I ever really expect it too. Some people life a much easier life than others… for me it has been a fight since I can remember.
So being nearly 50 now, I find myself at a crossroads of sorts…. I want to understand this illness, and my anxiety. As a Christian I believe in the supernatural and I believe in spiritual oppression. So where does one start and the other end. I do believe diseases are real but I believe the roots come from a spiritual cause.
So daily, it is back….forth…up…down….in ….out…. forwards…backwards… searching in my mind and spirit the why fors? how comes? and the saddest of all…. WHY ME?
Some days I think it is retribution for my wrong doings, my bad choices and my fat mouth. Lord knows I have not always lived with conviction of my heart condition. So would God “punish” me… It seems I have a lot in common with the Israelite’s as they went around that mountain 40 years…. until they learned their lesson…. so what lesson in my God trying to teach me or show me?
I am at the moment prayed out… my faith is wobbly and I am tired… but there is a very small piece of me that just says keep going Christine… Don’t quit! I don’t know who that lil voice is… me, my conscience, or the Holy Spirit. But it is there, a flickering flame… pushing me on… calming me…. and in a weird way loving me.
Anyways…. that was my Fibro Day today!