There are 2 primary focuses in my life right now: building a house & getting pregnant. One is going well but the other not so much.
After 3 years of effort, we finally broke ground on the lot this week. It still doesn’t feel real to us after so many delays and disappointments. I am in shock & awe at how quickly this process is going… 1 week for grading and 1 week for the foundation. That means in about 1.5 weeks I will have a foundation. That is CRAZYTOWN. I have some things to do now…like hire some professionals to oversee the foundation process. The foundation is one of the ‘scary’ parts because once it’s done it can’t be undone or fixed. If they pour it wrong, you’re better off redesigning your house than trying to alter the foundation. Anyway… I’ll make sure we get it done the right way and I don’t have nightmares about the concrete foundation of the home.
The baby making part is on the opposite end of the spectrum. I just did my first IUI in April. It wasn’t that bad except for the scheduling, which was nothing short of a horrific nightmare. Turns out they don’t always have the qualified & trained staff at the center near me, so depending on the timing of my cycle I might have to randomly leave work for 2 hours or show up 2 hours late because the main center is so far away. And how on earth am I supposed to explain that?? No, I have not told my coworkers what I’m up to and I don’t plan on it either. For the future, I’m not going to put up with that. I’m either able to do the IUI that month or I’m not due to scheduling. And I will not be doing more than 2 additional IUIs.
The issue that came up after the first IUI is T’s sperm count, which is quite low. His numbers were just barely above the threshold where they would not do an IUI because it would be so ineffective. I am about a week out from finding out if I got pregnant or not, but I don’t feel hopeful at all. So the RE’s focus shifted to IVF, as did my research time. I did a pretty good job of informing myself before we met with the RE. I studied protocols, advantages & disadvantages of each, how to minimize injections, and what to expect in general. To sum it up in a nutshell… IVF has to be one of the most unpleasant things any woman could ever go through and anyone who has done it deserves a trophy. And I mean a BIG TROPHY like they give football teams that win the championship.
So during IVF your body gets stabbed with needles hundreds of time. There are daily injections for around 20 days followed by possibly more daily injections into you 12th (TWELVE!!!) week of pregnancy. Some of them are subcutaneous (not deep), the one they want you to do for 12 weeks of pregnancy is an intramuscular injection which goes deep into you thigh or butt and is touted as insanely painful both during and after (it’s the progesterone shot). There is a progesterone vaginal cream as an alternative, but my RE thinks it is necessary for frozen embryo transfers, although she wouldn’t force me. If I were in that boat, my answer would be flat out no I’m not doing that. There are numerous blood draws, at one point they are daily which is insane. There are internet horror stories of egg retrievals leading to several days of pain and some stories of women that ended up the hospital for weeks nearly dead. Some women actually die from this procedure. Yes, it is rare, but I feel like the risk of hitting a major blood vessel is down played in the paperwork.
After all that, learning about all the ways my body will be tortured & violated just to have a kid, my husband has the audacity to whine because he has a headache from listening to all of that. Previously he whined because he was tired of driving to the clinic with me (he’s unemployed, it’s not like he has anything else to do). He also pitched a fit several weeks back when I asked him to make some lifestyle changes to improve his sperm count like avoiding alcohol & caffeiene. I angrily asked him why it was ok to sign me up for all these injections, blood draws, 30+ office visits, and getting a needle shoved through my vagina for the egg retrieval but when I ask him to stop drinking alcohol it’s so inconvenient and he won’t do it. His response was ‘that’s fair’ and claimed he would stop. Fast forward to the ‘headache from listening to IVF details’ and I again angrily asked him why HE had such a big headache from listening to how MY BODY would be destroyed from this awful process. He apologized for being ‘inconsiderate’ and said he had a bad morning.
Except ‘inconsiderate’ is not the right word at all. Selfish or Self-Centered are much more accurate descriptions of his attitude. And to top it all, he’s the one that wants kids more than I do. If I have no kids I’d be ok with that, T not so much. So I made a decision for myself tonight that I will convey later to T… I am NOT doing IVF. Period. He is the one with the problem both physically and attitude wise. Once we do 1 or 2 more IUIs, the ball is in his court. Either we can keep trying & hope for a miracle, he can make major lifestyle changes and we hope for the best, or I can find another dude to have sex with (aka a sperm donor). Enter the world of free sperm donation, or free sex for the purpose of baby making a la the Internet. Yes it totally exists.
I’m waiting for the right time to tell him this, but I did hint at it briefly tonight. I asked him, hypothetically speaking, if he had to choose between no kids or kids that had another father biologically only which would he do. He said he would be ok with kids that weren’t biologically his.
So plan from here… Wait and see if by some miracle I am already pregnant and none of the above related to IVF matters. If not, T goes to see a urologist about varicocele or any other procedure to improve sperm count (if I’m lucky he’ll talk about lifestyle changes too). I have asked him to stop ALL alcohol consumption if I am not pregnant from this IUI, we’ll see if he actually does it. Meanwhile, I will go back on Clomid and prepare for another IUI cycle or just timed IC, depending on my schedule. I will do 2 more IUIs and if we’re not successful and there’s no MAJOR attitude change and/or he was not willing to make 3-4 month lifestyle changes, then I will give him the choice. Either we try on our own, likely without luck, indefinitely or I start looking for a sperm donor. I’m sure he will not be happy that his wife will be having sex with another guy and that our child will not be biologically his. But quite frankly, that is his problem to deal with and not mine. I wonder if that will give him a headache too.