I don’t think I have ever thought of writing in a Journal, but I read it was therapeutic. Why is it that in your lowest points, you think of things to help you? Well….this is me right now. I am not religious, but I do believe. But I feel it is unfair that I turn to him whenever it is beneficial to me. I mean I still say a few words. But in reality, I need to remind myself that “my thoughts ruin my outlook” and whether I like it or not….I have realized that I am a negative thinker. I am dealing with issues in my marriage and partly because of my negative thinking and attitude. I am easily angered and take things too serious. I have lost what my husband fell in love with 7 years ago. Why? ugh!!!! what happened?? pain??? rejection?? worries??? who knows…but my mind is my own enemy most of the time. I want to write it down now instead of verbalizing it negatively. Cussing, yelling, making it obvious I’m mad, is just not working for me anymore. Even though I have things I have every right to be mad about, I need to be self assured it will be okay. My husband and I will be married a year May 30th 2016. Great huh?! yes…together 8 years this month. But….theirs always a but….I recently discovered he was texting other friends, females, that he was trying to reconnect with. Also, that he went on his old dating sites to “just look”. When I asked him, he said it was because I wasn’t giving him attention and positive reinforcement with him. He wanted to feel special, loved, wanted…and I was giving him grief and negative comebacks. He went on to say, he didn’t do anything, the obvious…no cheating. But now I feel that I can’t trust him. Even though he says it will not happen again and if we can both work on each other to make the marriage better. He doesn’t want to give up. But in my mind, I now have to watch out for #1…..me. In my mind, I have to prepared. We worked it out and I say I am ok and will move forward. But this is hard already. I feel when he makes plans without me that I will be thinking, is he doing something wrong? It is just a week out of this and I am trying to be better….mentally. I know I am not perfect, and I can see why he acted out in that way. But it still hurts. It still worries me. I AM FUCKING ANGRY! deep sigh…..I know that I need to change some things within me, especially loving myself more so I can better love him. So….I took a 2 mile walk today. Because it was beautiful outside and because I could use the walk. It was rejuvenating….and then I though of this. Writing it all down. So, today was my first day.
36 y/o, married, no biological children but have 2 stepchildren. Married a year May 30th, together 7 years. I am a College student working on my Nursing degree. Here for expression and growth, by letting all my feelings out, all my words, all my pain, so that I can learn to let go and be happy again. For sound and mind. Or whatever the universe expects of me.