Well today I decided to lie to my best friend and I don’t know why. Actually I do know why but I can’t explain it because I don’t know who reads these things anymore. Today during lunch I saw something that happened in my past and for some reason it was back and it made me furious. It seriously made me so beyond mad and I was ready to hit someone who tried to mess with me. Well my best friend noticed and I kind of wished she didn’t because when she asked me what was wrong I had to lie to her. Obviously I couldn’t tell her the truth because if I told her the truth then my past would just start all over again and if I had to lie to stop that then I will. But I didn’t tell her and I lied to her and I wouldn’t tell her really anything. Well she started crying and I didn’t know this until she texted me and told me later. I knew she was upset about something but I didn’t know what it was about. So I texted her afterschool and the first thing she said to me was “Why won’t you tell me what was wrong with you?” I knew she was upset but at that point in time I realized that that’s what she was upset about. I didn’t tell her the truth so she assumed that I was talking about something else.
When she sent that to me I knew in my head I couldn’t tell her about my past so I did what I had to do and lie to her even more. I seriously started to dig a massive grave because I knew the lie that I was about to tell her would probably break our friendship but I didn’t know what else to say to her so I told her I liked her. I don’t know why I did but I did and I wanted to tell her I was lying but you can’t just say that it was all a lie because then that would start other crap. So we started talking and I just kept digging the hole deeper and deeper. At some point while talking to her I did tell her the truth. I told her that she is seriously pretty and beyond intelligent. Guys I don’t know what else to say to her because not only did I lie to her at school I also told a massive lie over text that will ruin or friendship.
I seriously don’t like this girl and she is my best friend. I just didn’t know what else to say. I was stupid and I should have just explained that it was from my past but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I couldn’t tell her that and I know I can trust her with anything but I just don’t bring up my past because I’m doing so well in the present. I can’t go back to my past so if I have to lie and lose a friend then that is just what I have to do. I really want to keep her as my best friend but it just wasn’t worth it to me.
So this next paragraph is just to the girl that I lied to. I don’t know if she will read this but I might as well say it to her so if one day she reads this she might understand that I didn’t mean to say that and I just spazzed and said the first thing that came to mind.
I’m sorry, I seriously am. I didn’t want to hurt you but I also didn’t want to hurt myself. I Wish I would have told you the truth but sometimes you just have to lie to protect yourself and possibly the others around you. I don’t know if you will read this and I don’t know if I’m going to show you this but I just want to say I am sorry. I know it sounds stupid because I could have just told you the truth and you would have understood but it happened so fast and I didn’t know what else to do. I want you to know I didn’t lie completely and you seriously are beyond smart and pretty. And you can make me happy but I just not in that way. I know I could have come up with a different lie but it was the first thing in my head so I said it. When we were texting and you were trying to get me to tell you and I was procrastinating, that was when I was trying to come up with something. I didn’t want to tell you the truth so I tried to make as much time as possible but I ended up being stupid and saying that to you. I am seriously sorry and I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship but I did what I had to do at the time even if it wasn’t the smartest idea.
On other news, I quit my job today. I don’t really have reasoning for it I just wasn’t happy and I absolutely dreaded going every day. I can’t be in a place that I’m not happy so I removed myself from there and hopefully I made the right decision. I know I was only here for about almost a month but I was just tired of it because I know I can find a better working environment where I’m happy with what I’m doing.
Guys I’m seriously having a bad day. I messed things up by lying to my best friend and my past came back and everybody was bugging me today and just pushing me to my limits. I think tomorrow I’m just going to stay quiet and not talk to anyone. That might be the best possible thing to do and I need to stay quiet for a little bit so I don’t get in even more trouble than I am now.
1 timothy 4:2-“Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron”
Well, that is about all for today. I will keep yall updated as I continue with my journey through life.