19 Years of Living

When I was young I wondered about my appearance when I grow up. Will I get taller? Will I look pretty? Will my hair be longer? Will my breasts get bigger?
There were so many questions I needed to find out and the idea of being an adult excites the younger version of me.
But of course, my imagination of myself before didn’t turn up as I expected.

Height: 4’9
Appearance: So-so.
Hair: Dyed it brown and dry.
Puberty: Didn’t even feel it. And my breasts weren’t what I imagined before.

Life is full of surprises. Unfortunately, mine was a little ill-fated.
Let me tell you about how 19 feels.
It’s the age of in between. Stuck between two most important dimensions in our lives – past and future. It is when you’re this inadequate happy-go-lucky person with lots of friends and financially dependent to your parents money. It is the age when you have to achieve your New Year’s eve resolution but fails it later. It is when you’re curious about love and lust. How love would feel? How would it feel sticking your mouth to another? Would it hurt? Would you be single for the rest of your life? So many questions and emotions running in your head. And sometimes you just find yourself laying in a dark room with thoughts that wake you up at 3 am. Hormones, I guess. But also, it is when you have these amazing friends who could crack you up and hurts your stomach in a good way. It is when you learn how to dance like crazy alone with music blaring out of your house and doesn’t care what your neighbors think. And lastly, it is when you can still enjoy your teenage life even when people try to pull you down, because, what the hell, you’re still a teen, you don’t care. No one’s gonna hold you back for acting like a reckless child because it’s acceptable. You just enjoy how life works for you.

And that when it hits you.
When you can’t help thinking what the future will do to yourself. The what ifs will definitely kill you.
Slowly beating the restless child in you.
Slowly changing how your mind thinks.
You become responsible to your actions because you’re beginning to act like an adult. You begin hating how the world works because everything is about money. You worry where to work in the future. How God will help you finding a job you can settle for the rest of your life.
Everything becomes difficult as you age up.
And you begin searching for happiness you have lost.

Nineteen will be the last age on being a teenager and you know that you’re turning 20 in a few months. And you’re scared that you can’t cope up with reality because you know that you still want to enjoy life without thinking too much of the future.
At this age, confusion floods your mind. Emotions are hard to fight.
And life seems like it never ceases to fail you.
But that’s alright. Because at 19, you’re stuck inside a playground with an adult voice vexing your mind.

One thought on “19 Years of Living”

  1. Been there. It seems like everyone older has it all figured out; they’re just as clueless, and often more irresponsible. Unfortunately everything does become about money, I wish it didn’t.

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