Average love or mental suicide

a love so deep that a single kiss gives you a high like never before, a glimpse in their eyes can send chills down your back and the slightest though of the one that makes your heart burn makes your day amazing

this is what I have craved all my life, as a hopeless romantic in a world full of hookups and one night stands the thought of true love and passion slowly haunts you.

the thought of nobody wanting to commit frightens an individual like myself. It sends thoughts to my head that I will never feel a love returned in the way that I love them, and I will never have a fairy tail romance with a guy that sweeps me off my feet like every little girl is taught to dream of in the 90’s. 

I’m a young adult that suffers from anxiety and depression, due to this a lack of commitment from others slowly kills me. Thoughts of “maybe I’m not worth it to anybody” and “maybe I need to change” constantly run through my head. Every day a thought like this slowly diminished my self confidence leaving me to the point where I am not in my life.

I have fallen in love with this boy. A boy who says he isn’t ready for a relationship yet in his life, yet he acts like he can’t get enough of me. We text from the morning sun Till the night moon, with every text I fall into fear a little more as my heart says I’m falling into love. Knowing from the past that every boy I’ve ever loved has hurt me, treating me like hookups were the way of life, and commitment was just to hard to handle. 

As I lay in his arms at night and we kiss I feel the strangest feeling run through my body, part is passion the other is fear. Fear of falling in love and never becoming his. As I kiss him more the thought goes away and I realize that I’m just happy to be with him. I’m happy to spend time with him, simply cuddling talking and kissing. Listening to the amazing thoughts that run through each other’s heads learning so much about each other. 

The passion gives me a high greater than any drug, but like all drugs the coming down aspect of the high is the worst. As I leave his house to return to mine at night I roll down the windows and start to think. I start to wonder why doesn’t he want to commit, would he commit with another girl, does he really care about me, is he trying to just use me as a hookup and will leave me after he gets what he wants. When I get home I tell him I’m home safe and good night. He responds “good night Hun sweet dreams” and that settles my mind a tad. 

Some days I end up not being able to handle the constant questions that slowly kill my soul more and more. And I tell him how I feel, I leave most out but let him know the surface of my issues. Not wanting him to get scared of by the way I see love. Hoping he isn’t like the others who act in passion until sex, then dropping you like a penny in a crowd, looking back at it like “yeah I dropped it but I can get another it’s just a penny, there’s plenty in my wallet I don’t need that one” 

this wondering sadly has nothing to do with him, it has to deal with how I feel about myself. I worry about how others see me to the point of making me crazy. This pain is one like never felt before it is one that is internal. Emotions and confidence are the hardest to improve due to the lack of thinking you can. As I sit and wonder I slowly loose who I am. 

I wonder if I should be like the rest in this society with him, and have sex with him, not expecting commitment. Yet I know that is not what I want I want love to its fullest degree. Although he shows me love with a lack of commitment love turns into a drug for me. It’s something I crave, and when I get it I can feel the high, leading to a paranoid state of mind, and this drug is slowing killing me and I know it. Yet I keep falling harder and harder for him like I’m addicted. I know I shouldn’t yet I do it anyway despite the out come. 

I guess knowing that this pain is killing me, I would say love becomes my drug choice for suicide 


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