My “New Beginning” has been going on for a couple years now…. 1 step forward, 2 steps back… I’m already the person that forgives everyone for everything. However, I’d like to move on to being the person that Really, Truly moves on and lets the past go. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and done my best to reconcile them but it never seems like enough. And all those people I’ve forgiven, well, they still pop up in my head with their stupid smirks I’d like to rip off their face and punch their teeth out!!! I’m trying not to be so hateful but I think most everyone can relate to how I’m feeling. Most of the time I’m ok but when the stress piles up, everything comes crashing on my head like 1000 anvils. Sometimes it seems like I’m never going to get out of this hole. Other times, I’m ok. Or rather, content.
My first struggle came when I left my job and moved. I’ve been working since I was 15 (Now 37) and I’ve been a stay-at-home Mom for several months now. I know I’m doing an important job but it’s been a struggle to adjust because it’s a different kind of important…. And then I just feel stupid because I think “Take care of your own kids?!?! Gee Wiz, imagine that!!!” “Actually do something for them more than a few hours a day and on weekends?!?! WTF!!!!” “You mean I actually have to be a PARENT and raise them?!?!” “Who’s idea was this?!?!” and so on with the sarcasm. Truth be told, I haven’t had anyone tell me I’m a bad Mom despite my mistakes.
My next struggle came at exactly the same time… dealing with my step-son’s mother, who was exactly like my own loser, biological mother. I’m adopted, btw. My spiritual journey really took off after meeting and having to deal with her. I started praying again. I prayed for her to straighten up and make her kids her first priority in life, to stop using drugs, to get a job and her driver’s license, to leave her abusive boyfriend… or get out of our lives completely. I was angry with her for everything she was doing to her sons because I had already been through it. I knew how they were feeling and what was going through their minds and I didn’t want them to suffer the way I did. No one should ever have to suffer like that. She passed away in April, at 31 years old, from a mrsa infection (supposedly. an autopsy was ordered out of suspicion of foul play and we haven’t received it yet). If that wasn’t enough to reassure me of the power of prayer, nothing would have been. I know part of them will always love and miss her. I hate that the only thing I feel is relief. I want to feel something for the loss of a life, her life, but I just can’t. I feel bad that it hurt the people I love, but that’s all. They boys cried for a day after finding out and then things went mostly back to normal. They talk to me a lot more and our relationship has gotten better, for which I’m very thankful. They’ve never really talked about her. She let them down too many times so like me, they came to expect nothing from her. What hurts me is that they hurt.
The 2 worst parts of this entire situation has been 1) Feeling like a horrible person for not being upset over her death and 2) Seeing my boyfriend, her ex that she did so wrong, cry for her. I try not to be jealous but it really drives me nuts that she treated him as bad as he said and he still loves her so much. I just don’t understand it. It’s been almost a month now. They boys are ok, he’s ok, but I’m not. I can’t tell him anything though. He spent 13 years with her and had 2 greats kids. There Was something to love…. I’ve had ptsd since I was a small child and situations like this really bring out the depression. It’s a struggle to get up everyday. It’s a struggle to stay up after getting the kids to school. It’s a struggle to not go to bed early. Sometimes he notices and asks what’s wrong. I just tell him nothing, I’m good, or just didn’t sleep well….
On the spiritual note, tarot has worked wonders for me. I do my own readings and so far, they’ve been exactly right. I tried the pendulum yesterday. The only thing I managed to establish is that clockwise rotation is yes and counter-clockwise is no. Except for my shaking hands, it didn’t move at all when I started asking questions. I can only imagine it’s because my mind is pretty much a mosh pit right now.
Fyi, I’m not the self-injury , suicidal or homicidal type… I stay within my own mind so often that I’m not sure much of this makes any sense in writing. Anyway, responsibility calls so for now…
Blessed Be )O(
*Edit* Nvm… I was babysitting but their Mom got done and picked them up early, so on to the next entry…