It feels like months since I last wrote in here. I miss this.
A lot has happened. I swear, none of it my fault. Well, kinda. I am proud of myself, because in my darkest moments, I never thought of the blade again. I told you I was done with that. I told myself I am done with that. But, I did something worse.
I disconnected myself from e v e r y t h i n g.
I was cold. So cold. To friends. To Sam. To my brother. To myself. I didn’t care about going to school without looking at myself in the mirror to check if I had bags under my eyes, or if I had bad breath. I didn’t care if I had breakfast… or lunch. I was consuming myself with work. Work. And more work. Applying for another job because I couldn’t just stay home and do nothing.
And that kept going for weeks. Sam noticed it. He didn’t call me yesterday. Or today. He thinks he had enough of my mood swings and the girl I am now, she’s not the “kind and gentle” girl he fell in love with. Was that love? Really? Humiliating me in front of your friends, that is love? Lying to my parents face, was that love? Showing me off like I am some trophy, was that love? I said I forgive you. But you expected me to forget. I’m sorry but I can’t do that. I can’t pretend. And you get pissed off because of that. I hate you for that. Because I don’t know what’s happening next. That’s why I hid my feelings and I hid my heart from you and from everyone.
I had to be selfish. Hurt you before you hurt me.
This relationship is toxic. You even said it. End it. Because I don’t want you to tell your friends I broke up with you again. Make this decision. Be a man and do something for yourself! Gosh, Sam. But this isn’t only about you. This is not for you. My life is not yours. You have no idea what I feel, how I think, or what I will do. So, shut the fuck up.
I hate crying. That will never change. My parents know everything. And they’ve been so supportive. They said “We don’t think you’re crazy, that’s why we are not gonna lock you up.” They said that if I needed to clear my thoughts or I was feeling bad,to tell them immediately, so we can go to the beach for a walk. If I had nightmares, I could go and sleep with them. If I felt the need to harm myself, to let them know, so they can be at my side all the time. And watch a movie. I deserve to be happy and lucky. Well, not luck. But blessed. I deserve that. I deserve love. And friends. And family. And honesty.
Life is great for me now. I wouldn’t say happy. But good for now. My mom listens to me. I can now learn to love myself. My dad bought me a Cherokee. We have to fix it, though. And that will cost me a loot of money ha ha. A Jeep Cherokee Sport from 96.
I got a gift from the library, for checking out so many books I now get $25 gift card for Barnes and Noble. I give her a list of my options and they get them for me the next week.
Guys, free books!
For English class, we had a class assignment about writing a horror story. I got creative and I put lots of detail. The students and my teacher loved it so much that it is going to get published in a school book of the best papers from English class. I say that’s pretty cool. That’s the first time I get critic for my writing and it turned out to be great. Now, I can’t stop w r i t i n g.
More than a lot.
Over the top obsessed.
And… my parents are cool with that. I think.
How to disappear completely by Radiohead