Choices

My mother was diagnosed with ALS  (also known as Lou Gerhigs disease ) in May of 2014, that month I found out I would be greeting a baby boy into this world in October.  My happiness of finding out about the new arrival trumped my mom’s diagnosis.  Call me selfish but I couldn’t let my mom’s illness affect my happiness.  Don’t get me wrong I cried when I found out and I cry till this day, especially when someone asks about how my mom’s doing or when I’m driving alone.  I love my mom with all my heart, that is why I choose not to watch my mom suffer .   My son needs a mom, I can’t be an emotional wreck (cause lord knows I would be, if it wasn’t for H).  My life began the moment H was born.  One thing I learned is that life is not guaranteed and I’m going to LIVE!  Everyone deals with similar situations different, some people can face the heartache, some can’t.   No judgement should be placed on anyone, but I guess no matter how you handle a situation you are going to be judged, that’s just how this harsh reality works (unfortunately).  I choose to be a happy mother for my child.  I choose to love my mom from a distance.  This isn’t written for pity, instead it’s written for anyone who has to go through the pain of a loved one being sick. If I had control over time, I would have a baby a lot earlier, so she could enjoy her grandchild or my mom and I could have had a chance to be close (you know that type of relationship you establish with your own mother when you become a mom).  Shit, I just wish I could take away this disease all together, but I can’t.   There’s just so much sadness involved and my heart can’t break!  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, not the whole my mom getting sick thing , because I think that’s completely unfair but that H was born during this difficult time to keep me strong!  Yeah, a baby is challenging and now he’s a toddler and even more challenging & still doesnt sleep through the night but he makes my heart explode with so much love!  Shame on anyone for trying to say I don’t care or I’m selfish because that’s not the case.  It would be selfish of me to be emotionally and physically invested with  my mom’s disease, because i have a baby to raiseMy mother was diagnosed with ALS  (also known as Lou Gerhigs disease ) in May of 2014, that month I found out I would be greeting a baby boy into this world in October.  My happiness of finding out about the new arrival trumped my mom’s diagnosis.  Call me selfish but I couldn’t let my mom’s illness affect my happiness.  Don’t get me wrong I cried when I found out and I cry till this day, especially when someone asks about how my mom’s doing or when I’m driving alone.  I love my mom with all my heart, that is why I choose not to watch my mom die.   My son needs a mom, I can’t be an emotional wreck (cause lord knows I would be, if it wasn’t for H).  My life began the moment H was born.  One thing I learned is that life is not guaranteed and I’m going to LIVE!  Everyone deals with similar situations different, some people can face the heartache, some can’t.   No judgement should be placed on anyone, but I guess no matter how you handle a situation you are going to be judged, that’s just how this harsh reality works (unfortunately).  I chose to be a happy mother for my child.  I chose to love my mom from a distance.  This isn’t written for pity, instead it’s written for anyone who has to go through the pain of a loved one being sick,  because lord knows you probably will!  If I had control over time, I would have a baby a lot earlier, so she could enjoy her grandchild or my mom and I could have a chance to be close (you know that type of relationship you establish with your own mother when you become a mom).  Shit. I just wish I could take away this disease all together.  He wouldn’t have a happy mom.   I visit my mom about once a week, because that’s all I can handle.   Doesn’t make me love my mom any less, because I love her more than anything.   This is not how I want to remember my mom!  This disease robbed my mom of who she was! 

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