I don’t understand why I care for people that don’t care for me. Sometimes I feel like nobody actually really cares about me and they would instantly choose someone else over me. Some of my closest friends show each and every day that they don’t truly care. I know so much about my friends but they hardly know anything about me. It’s not that I don’t tell them, it’s just that they don’t care enough to remember. Every so often I feel so loved and cared for but lately I feel like nobody really cares about me the way I care about them. I honestly don’t know if it is my fault or they just simply don’t care. I try to be an amazing friend and I’m literally always there for my friends but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like it’s my fault because I care too much. I will straight up take a bullet for my friends but they wouldn’t break a toe for me.
Yall might think I’m just another blogger that is in his feels late at night but I’m having these thoughts at 5:50 in the afternoon. I’m not in my feels I’m just letting out what I truly think on a daily basis. I have these thoughts literally all day long. I can be sitting at lunch eating or having a conversation with someone in the middle of the afternoon and the thought that I’m not cared for pops in my head and I seriously start to question whether people actually care or if they are just being nice.
I don’t know what else to say. This morning was amazing. I woke up and took a shower and made my coffee and I was in a great mood. But out of nowhere in my third period I started having these deep thoughts so I tried to sing them away (my third period is chorus) and I tried to laugh it out but nothing was working and my day went from 100 to 0 in literally a few minutes. The best/worst part about all of this is I was able to hide all my emotions so no one would notice. Everyone thought I was happy and joyful but little do they know that I’m always having deep thoughts. I’m always questioning things and I’m always worried that I’m alone. I know I’m not actually alone because I have family and my God but it seems that part of my family doesn’t really care either. My brother doesn’t speak to me (I don’t know what I did but he literally refuses to speak to me and that’s how it has been my entire life).
Someone once told me that they feel like inside my house everything is a different story from the outside. I seriously couldn’t agree more with them but I can’t tell them that because I don’t think they actually care to listen. Inside my house my little brother is always fighting with my mom and my older brother doesn’t speak to me and my dad is an alcoholic (thankfully he is getting help in a recovery group with some amazing people) and my mom just talks crap about everyone. I don’t want to make it seem like my family is a bunch of horrible people because it’s not like that but this is who my family is. This is the reasoning why I spend all my time in my bedroom studying or drowning myself in music or playing my piano. I don’t know what else to do to get away from everything and I wish I had someone that would actually help me but I don’t think I have anyone like that because they would rather be talking to someone else besides me. The people I’m my past told me on a daily basis that I’m depressing and all I do is bring people down because I’m always sad so I put on a mask with the biggest smile on it and I wear it with pride each and every day without taking it off until I get home. I mean what is the point of taking off this beautiful but fake mask? I mean nobody actually wants to see the really lee Michael Paysour. All they want is someone to make them laugh or someone to make them smile so I guess that’s what I am going to keep doing. Ever since I started acting different I have had literally no one say that I’m depressing and I would like to keep it that way. People tell me that they are depressed and they don’t think I understand but I understand it much more than they think I do. They come to me because they see that I’m happy and they want to know my trick but in reality if they knew they truth then they wouldn’t have come to me in the first place.
I’m sorry for this but hopefully one day when I have truly changed I can look back at this and smile. This is not for anybody but myself. I didn’t write this to make other people depressed I just wrote this because I want to change and when I do this will be a good place to come and look at how much I have actually changed.
-Lee Michael Paysour