Anxiety, plus Panic Attacks

Well, as the title claims, I had another episode but this time, it was both in one day.

Thursday at work, I had a panic attack thinking that I was going to lose my job considering that two of the people I started with are either leaving for better employment or being removed for lack of discipline.  Now, I don’t bust my ass for the company however, I do my job and more everyday when I arrive at either 0300 or 0700.

I am also the only Security Officer that the BAE Security Manager, Mike likes since I am organized and I do my job day in and day out.  We are Allied Barton, not BAE.  We are contracted out through BAE Systems. 

As I was saying, I had a panic attack considering all three of us started around the same time and now they are starting to get rid of the other ones.  Also, we are being bought out by another company so I was afraid they were doing lay-offs.  Since I have not worked for the company for more than 3 months, tops, I was very much afraid they would come after the ones who haven’t been here too terribly long rather than the gentleman who have been here for years and years.  As it turns out, I worried too much and too soon.  They are actually boosting how many Security Officers they have from whatever number, up to 140,000.  Why they would want that many, I have no idea.


Moving onto when I had my Anxiety Attack. 

It was in the same day, stated above but this time, it was after work when I was at Planet Fitness in Hanover.  I cannot tell you why I am still this way but I do truly believe it has something to do with the relationships I was involved in prior to Tom.

Working out as usual; Shoulders, Triceps and Abs on Thursdays, I noticed an extremely pretty female.  No, I am not a lesbian but it is a proven fact that all women are bisexual which I can believe since I did ‘experiment’ with woman a time or two. 

Prior to myself, Tom was with a big boob, blonde woman who was with him for 7-years.  Now he claims they were not dating but rather were the occasional ‘fuck buddy’ but to me, when it gets serious enough to want to propose to this woman, you are more than you think you are.  Well, needless to say, she cheated on him while he was away in California training with the Marines.  Also, he ended up throwing her ring in the bay rather than returning it, LOL.

Now, I am a pretty decent looking female.  I am nowhere near perfect.  I break-out at 21-years old, I have a muffin top, I have issues with overactive hormones and so-on and so-forth.  Why I cannot accept the fact that Tom is not interested in other woman, I have no idea. 

Well, when I saw her, I immediately thought that if Tom was here with me, he would be all over her.  I actually ended up leaving the gym early without completing most of my workouts and driving the 15 or so minutes shaking back to Spring Grove. 

When he came home after work, I would not talk to him, look at him, acknowledge him, nothing.  After a while of the silent treatment he asked me what he did.  Mistake.

He did nothing wrong but it was the fact that I have seen pictures of this ‘fuck buddy’ and while I would not call her attractive, I am jealous of the early years she was with him rather than with me.  (He is five, almost six years older than me so my Mother actually would not have allowed it to happen earlier, LOL)  Plus, from what I gather, prior to the Military, Tom thought and acted as if he was African American.  He was also a drug-addict; now 5 or 6 years clean, YAY!!!

Anyways, so I basically lost my mind on him because I cannot get it through my head that he is interested in me and not a skinny, blonde woman with bigger breast and a smaller waist; just Me. 

I wonder if every other woman who has been through some of the stuff that I have has the same issue because I am starting to think I was just made to be single, LOL.  (No, I do not nor ever want to experience being single again.  I would be lost without him and our house, cabinets, pans, pots, and even his heart would be empty with me.)

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