BLAH.

So i’m feeling really frustrated right now, and have been for a while I guess.
a little less than a week ago, I can’t remember the date exactly, but it was definitely before wednesday. I want to say it was either monday or sunday. anyway, matt and I got really drunk and ended up getting into a fight. I was a lot more sober than he was, I could tell he was getting drunker and tried to cut him off, but we all know how well that goes down.
anyway we get into it about god knows what and he (in his insanely drunken stupor) calls me all kinds of horrible and downright evil things from fat to bitch to pretty much every name you can think of in the book. we get into it bad and i freak out. we end up inside and he tries to lock me out of the garage, even though i want to go back in, so i reach in and smack him in the head. and then all hell breaks loose.
i’m not sure what he remembers, but I don’t think he remembers telling me that it was my fault that curtis beat me and that I’d be better off with him rather than oscar, who is a good fucking man and has never once laid a hand on me. anyway.
so yeah. the next morning was super awkward, but i didn’t apologize. i’m waiting on him. so that’s how it’s been. I honestly expect this from matt, he’s so lost in his own depressed and self-hatred that I expect him to lash out at me and call me every name in the book and blame everything on me.
what I’m upset about is my mom.
she’s done absolutely nothing. at all.
I feel like a stranger in my own home because there’s all this tension and awkwardness, and she’s just happily bouncing about like nothing is wrong. it’s sickening.
what pisses me off the most about it is that she KNOWS and heard everything that he said, yet she has yet to talk to him about it and say “hey, look, you said some REALLY terrible things to your sister, you might want to apologize”
she’s just done nothing.
and what makes me upset about this is because i feel like if it was the other way around, I’d be getting heat from her nonstop about it. I’d be guilted into apologizing and that would be that. But since it’s him who’se in the wrong? she won’t say a word.
it all goes back to her pandering to him. that’s the reason he’s the monster that he is today. he’s never had to take responsibility for anything in his life and now it’s showing. he’d rather not talk to me for week(s?) on end than swallow his pride and admit that he made a mistake. great. awesome.
I just feel like she’s so afraid of him being upset at HER, that she’s not saying anything.
ESPECIALLY because I remember when he came back from St. Johns that they were really going at it all the time. it was awful. being in the house where the two of them were constantly screaming at each other was the worst ever. and i remember specifically wanting to help so i sat them both down and we had a “family meeting” to talk about it. but when I need her to help mend this bridge between the two of us? she’s nowhere to be found…
i just feel like she doesn’t have my back the same way I had hers.
and so who do i have left in this house? no one.
no one at all.
it’s fine. I’ve been staying over at Oscar’s the past few nights but now I think I’m going to be home so I’m just going to lock myself in my room and not say anything to anyone. that’s the plan, anyway.

in other news.
graduation is literally in 1 week. a week from today I will be walking across the stage and recieving my diploma.
I’ve already been applying for jobs and I desperately need one. the shitty thing is that every place I apply to requires like 8 years of experience. -.- god fucking dammit.
i’m trying to be out of this hellish nightmare in a year. fingers crossed that happens.
i need to get away from these people so bad.
SO BAD.
anyway.
i also have a existentialism final in 2 hours that I’m not 100% confident about.
honestly, though, with everything going on, can you blame me?
ari isn’t hanging out with me, like we alaways take turns putting each other on the back burner for our lives, but I feel like right now i could really use a friend and I have no one.

mom just came in and asked if i wanted coffee. she knows im mad, but i dont think she really knows the half of it.
whatever. just gotta stick this out for another year.
won’t be so bad. i have my room and netflix and (hopefully) a job soon and I can save up and get me a crappy little 1 bedroom apartment and GTFO!!!!
hmm. maybe I should start looking for furniture? I want a huge king size bed. 😀

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