I Don’t Even Know Anymore

I just hate this. I hate the being able to crash at any moment. 

A ‘friend’ came over tonight. We’ve liked each other for awhile, and it’s not exactly a secret. We were cuddling and kissing in bed, watching a movie (clothes ON, don’t worry). And we got to talking because of something. And he was telling me stuff. And then questioned why I was so quiet. He asked if I found the talk awkward and I said yeah. I said I don’t like deep conversation. He asked why. I answered that I trust people, but on that surface level. I don’t get too too deep. I don’t let people all the way in. And as always, one thing led to another and he asked why I don’t trust people, and not wanting to get into it, I said, well, let’s see. My last boyfriend intricately faked cancer for a year. Relationship before that was abusive. Oh and in between I was raped. I don’t exactly have the best track record. And he said ‘oh yeah… *silent*… I’m so sorry…’ So I said, you have nothing to be sorry for, you did nothing. But, it just got worse from there. I knew I could burst into tears at any moment. But I wouldn’t let myself. I just wanted him to leave. But he just laid there with his arms around me. I know that’s supposed to be comforting. All I wanted was to be out of it and him gone. I made the excuse that it was getting late and we both needed to be up early tomorrow. And so he left. So here I am. My chest hurts. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears. Like I really need to cry. But I can’t. But I really want to. I want to let it out, but nothing will come out. And it’s so frustrating. I know that I’ll never be able to talk or hang out with him again… It’ll just never be the same. He’ll just feel sorry for me. And that’s almost worse than me just keeping it all secret. 

It’s so messed up. When he was asking me, all I wanted to do was reply ‘because I’m broken. I’m so messed up now’. But I didn’t say that. Even though it would have been true too. It really wasn’t until tonight that I realized how I did keep people at surface. I don’t let people too far in. I let them see the me I want them to. It isn’t a lie, I just don’t let people deep into the broken me. I just show a put together facade whenever I can. I sorta knew that, but never realized to the extent. It’s so hard, because the first person in a long time i started getting on a deeper level with was ‘him’ (cancer guy). And it’s hard to think about letting other people in now. How can I fully trust anyone ever again? I used to be so trusting and so quick to forgive. But, not now apparently. It’s so much harder… 

Another thing I thought about earlier today is another sad, but revealing moment. It’s something I half knew but not to that extent. When I called him out on the lies and deception, he didn’t even fight for me. He didn’t try to get me to forgive him. How the heck does that make sense? A WHOLE YEAR. How can he just push that aside? I put SO much into him and the relationship and being there for him through what was real to me. All he would say is how that’s just how he is. How all he is, is messed up. It was never, ‘please forgive me’ or ‘it’ll be different this time’. Never any of that, he just said okay. And left. How? Am I not worth fighting for? Is that it? 

I messaged him tonight. I might fully regret it. But part of me felt like I just really needed to send it, I dunno… I’m just so confused. Oh here come the tears. I can’t forgive him. I just can’t. I know people say that forgiveness makes things better. But I just can’t. I can’t forgive him for destroying me. Someone who did nothing to deserve it. Yet here I sit, just waiting for him to read the message. I haven’t sent anything since December. Who knows where he’s at now. I guess I just want him to know how much he hurt me. I guess I want him to hurt for what he did. I want him to feel bad for what he did. I know he likely won’t. But isn’t it worth a shot? 

I just feel like I’ll never be okay. Like I’ll never recover. I just feel broken beyond repair… I used to love going to the lake. I used to love it sooo much. But I’m scared. I’m scared to go out there. And I’m going tomorrow.  It was my escape, my getaway. But most of my memories from last summer at the cabin include him. And my therapist says ‘firsts’ are the hardest. I drove through where he supposedly lives a few weeks ago, and I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear. I don’t want the lake to become like that. It was my home away from home. But I can’t control my emotions. I can’t control how I feel. I’m just scared to get there. 

The past couple weeks have been so hard. I felt like I got hit by a freight train when it comes to emotion. I held it in for so long, cause I had no other choice. And then it came back with a fiery vengeance. So here I am, damaged and broken and unsure what to do. I’m fallen apart, I don’t know how I’m surviving. I don’t know how I’m still here, I truly don’t. I don’t know how I’m still hanging on. Maybe it’s cause I know I don’t have another choice. 

Holy man, my thoughts and emotions and head are just all over the place today. Oh man, more tears. How do I move on? Where? How does a person heal? I just don’t get it. I don’t see it. It’s been 4 months, and nothing. Everything is still horrible. Ugh. I just want it over. I just need to stop writing. I’m a mess. And this is a mess. And none of this makes sense. But I mean, I guess I don’t really make sense anymore either…  

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