I woke up this morning and lay in bed with a sick feeling in my stomach. Why? Because I felt… remorseful, ashamed and embarrassed. What a way to start the day… To explain, I went upstairs last night to change my clothes and to hide for a moment. My boyfriend and I had such a wonderful, busy day and the pain was finally catching up with me. I didn’t want him to feel bad, nor did I want him to see my frustration so I walked away instead. He asked if I wanted him to come and I said no, but perhaps he didn’t hear me. I came out of my bathroom after wiping my tears and there he was. I asked what he was doing and he said he thought we were going to bed… I said no and walked downstairs. He came down and instantly I wanted to cry. I was so ashamed of how I had just acted, yet I was still too prideful to apologize, knowing I’d burst into tears. I took him by the arm and told him I loved him. Despite him saying he loves me too and cuddling me to sleep last night, I woke up this morning fighting the urge to cry. I know in my heart that me telling him I love him does not make up for my actions or the apology that he deserves. So I lay there holding him tight. A sense of security without outwardly asking for it. And yes, I recognize the insane amount of stubbornness here, trust me. But it was a scary situation… What if he had woken up and I apologized and he was angry? It would have been rightfully so. Or he could have simply said “Yeah, you were mean and I didn’t deserve it” and I would’ve had nothing to say other than “You’re absolutely right. You didn’t. I was wrong and I’m sorry.” What is wrong with this hypothetical conversation? Nothing. Besides the fact that it didn’t happen, all because of an irrational fear that he’d leave me. Now I am sitting here like a crazy girl and it’s all I can think about. The problem? He left shortly after waking up. He has a lot on his plate today and I don’t want to add to it. Today is about supporting and trying to be there for him and don’t want my apology to make it about me. Or maybe that’s simply another excuse not to face my fear. Which is ridiculous because he told me he loved me, he hugged me, he kissed me… What about that tells me he’s going to leave me? Nothing!
Some days we can’t be the hero in our own story. But in the grand scheme of things, we still need to honor our morals by doing what is right by those we love. In this moment, I owe him an apology. And unfortunately for me, the comfort only comes after the humility, after he accepts and after my heart is content that I did the right thing. The next step? Making sure I learn from it and strive to communicate better next time.