Day 40 – Sexual Abuse

I’ll use this diary for therapy purposes. I will treat it like I’m talking with a therapist.

I just wrote this email to my psychiatrist, but I don’t think I’ll send it:

– I started taking the new medication; Lamictal. I haven’t felt anything new. Today is the sixth day. So far, I haven’t experienced any changes.
So I’m writing this email because I’m starting to have recurring memories of sexual abuse. I feel like a great deal of my childhood and adolescence is missing. It’s like I’m not being able to connect the pieces together. But there were many instances in my life I would have this feeling that I was sexually abused and I would start crying uncontrollably. My eyes would shrink from crying too much. For some reason, I feel that the source of this pain in my chest has to do with that. I can’t even tell if these memories are real, but sometimes they become so concrete in my head.
I’m just telling you this because I truly believe that the source of pain in my chest is that.

___

Yes. I have a feeling I won’t ever be able to let go of this horrible feeling in my chest. Of my sense of loneliness. Of feeling unloved.

The guy I like. He liked me back, but I just couldn’t handle it. I kept on ignoring him, but I wasn’t doing it intentionally. I would just suddenly get disconnected from him whenever he shows signs that he likes me. I become like a zombie, unfeeling, and extremely sad.
This makes me even more sad because I know that I won’t ever be able to form normal connections with anyone. When someone shows any hint that they might love me back, I totally freak out.
The pain in my chest will be nested there for eternity. I can forget it sometimes and live happily, but at any instant it could emerge and attack me.
But I will still live my life normally, and I will still be happy most of the time. This sadness after all is universal because even if the pain for my own personal trauma subsides, there will still be the experiences of other people that will hurt just as much. Because I had a personal experience with sexual abuse, whenever I hear stories of sexual abuse, I get this same feeling of pain in my chest. It’s a pain that I experience both for myself and others.

But I have the confidence that someday things will be really good for me, and I’ll be very happy and peaceful. I can tell because my life is truly moving towards that end. It’s not very noticeable, but I could feel it in my guts and that makes me ecstatic.

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