I’m thinking. Right now in this moment, just staring at my white ceiling, and thinking. A slow seductive music is on, it keeps me high kind of. I think, about everything, about life, him, love. Today wasn’t really a good day for me. I don’t really know why but somehow I feel like I will never feel the kind of love that others feel for me. I wish to suffer for love, to hate, to stumble, but somehow I always don’t care. I don’t even take a last glance before I leave, I just leave. I often think something is wrong with me. I get so high of hopes and happiness and I feel like I wan to fight for something, but then it all just turns cold. I was with him today again. It was beautiful, how else could it be. I can’t hide the emotions that I feel deep inside, I do love, too much. Sometimes I love so much that I punish myself with carelessness. I simply lose emotion, my body feels heavy as earth, but not worth a penny. I guess the true meaning we are all searching in life does have to do with emotions, only emotions. Hate can make us to monsters, grow muscles and have scary looks, it makes us able to destroy happiness. On the other side happiness, makes us innocent, childish, pure, something everybody wants to earn back. Sadness, makes us live our nightmares in our heads, our thoughts, willingly. You relieve yourself by resisting the pain that hides in those imagined moments. Love, the most complicated of all. It gives us all of the three emotions that I mentioned. It makes us fly, regret, remember, suffer, enjoy, forget… Besides, it’s the only emotion that doesn’t show. We keep it hidden, somewhere in our world, in our mind. We imagine it, we live it, only love can change a man. I guess I changed him, somehow. He learned to hug softly, to gaze into my eyes as he was making love to the restless hopes of my heart. But still, a man will always stay a man. No matter how much you love him, or how much you care, you will always find something bad about it. Because you’re a woman. Those two complicated creatures are different in all ways. But yet, they are almost as perfect as nature. A harmony of peace and storms, of sun and rain, of ice and fire. You feel they are opposing each other but they are attracting each other more than anything. It’s hard to explain what love is, I admit I don’t really know what it is. But, when I look at him, and see him smile I feel something around my spirit, my existence. Some kind of fire that is gently touching me, making me alive even just for a moment. That’s what love is for, without it we would be dull creatures soaking in hopelessness. I needed love, I knew it. I needed it so bad, as a junkie needs cocaine. You can free yourself from it, but you won’t fly again. You can try to ignore it, but it’s always gonna be on your mind. I try not to run ¬†away from it, I try to face it. But somehow I always end up on the stairs, looking into the green fields and trees, asking myself what I did wrong. Or is it all because I’am a woman? Breakable, soft, easily torn, friable. Why was I born like this? Why can’t I feel love, the way I want it. It’s hard to be a woman, I tell you. But I guess I mastered it very well till now. On the bus home, I was still a little drunk from today. I felt so good, but so sad. I felt as a feather falling into an abyss. Was this love? Who can assure me? I just stared into the sky, ignoring the moving trees and houses, I needed to fly. To a safe place, his arms. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was strong, I was weak because of him. I bent so easily when his glance falls onto my body. I feel it all the way, to a part of me I can’t explain. No room, no map, no color, just a place somewhere deep. And as he kisses me I just lean back in the moment and breathe. I need him, more than I think, I need him like cocaine. I’m addicted to his touch, his hands sinking into my flesh, holding me, and not letting go. I feel high, lost, in heaven. I feel him in that place, locked, banging on the door. But I know if I let him go, I’m gonna let go the fire. What’s gonna keep me alive? Another flask? What I feel is some kind of rebellious love, it fights back, but you keep hugging it. Preparing for the kick you think is gonna come. For the fall, the hurt. That is love. Enjoying the high while preparing for the fall.

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