I can’t hold back my anger anymore, I need to let it all go. For once and for all. Never in my whole life have I felt such anger and hate that I feel now. I’m tired of being nice, good and warm-hearted, I want to be bad, have fun, finally be happy. But this is not me, I can’t hate anyone I can’t stand this anger. I just want to get it all out, to punch somebody in the face and then kick them with my feet, stab them with my knife, let them bleed to death. I want somebody to suffer, to scream. I imagine somebody crying out for help, and me just letting them die. I fucking hate this house, I hate it so bad. The people who live in it are as evil as they never wished to be. They fool themselves to be good, they try to hide their true self beneath the curtains. God. I hate it all. I just want to burn all of this down to the ashes to release this anger I feel inside of me. It’s like a flame that is silent all the time but it passively burns down my whole body, my mind. I can’t control when it’s gonna burst again. But I know for sure if it bursts again I won’t be able to control it anymore. I’m gonna hurt the people “I love”. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy one fucking time in my life. Just once to feel what it is like. To not think about what somebody is gonna say about you, or what your parents will say about your boyfriend. What curse will somebody lay on you, which devil’s sin will take you on its side. I hate what I’ve become, this is not me. I’m not evil, I don’t know what anger is. What is happening? Why am I bursting so easily? Who’s gonna save me from all of this and shelter me from this terrifying nightmare. Life, in my eyes is not real anymore. If anything is real at all. Every time i turn to the side or look behind me very quickly I see something, I don’t know what I see because it dissappears very fast. I’m not scared of that, I’m scared of myself. That I won’t be able to handle life, to live it, enjoy it. Why me? What have I done wrong..just what. I did my best, but it didn’t help me, now I do my worst and it still isn’t it. I’m tired, I’m lost and hopeless, why isn’t anybody saving me? I’m crying my heart out right now, I’m scared. Too scared. If I have to face the same phase I faced years ago, I won’t be able to handle it. And I know that for sure. I’m torn, I stopped believing in love, the happiness of marriage, truth, existence, I even stopped believing in the innocence of smiles. They lie too. Everybody and everything lies, except God. He told me from the first day that it’s gonna be hard. I tried my best, I’m only nineteen and I feel like I have already lost my way. I fall in love, I laugh, I smile but deep inside I have feelings that are eating me peace by peace and I can’t stop them. They are swallowing me onto the bottom of their stomach. I can’t escape this but I can’t face it either because I’am too weak for all of this. I just want to lay tonight, and don’t get up until I’am in the place I want to be. Eveybody is just making me so angry and torn, I can’t look at people anymore. I’m sick everyday, I’m already dying? Who will fucking save me, when everyone is turning their head away? I can’t even keep my eyes open, I’m tired of life, of love, of explaining, accepting and letting down. I’m tired of crying, screaming, pretending to be happy, pretending to be somebody who I’am not! Who manipulated me this way? I hate it. My heart was not created to hate, to lie and pretend. It wasn’t made for anger. It is made for love, affection, trust, but I..I lost it all. I have nothing. I’m just a naked person sitting in an empty room and scratching her head because it became as empty as the room itself. All I wish for is that somebody brings me back to life..please..

2 thoughts on “Help”

  1. Let me say I feel like I just read a part of my life. I know how you feel which I am sure not alot of people can say. I was like that. I still am sometimes but the house fire that once lived inside me is only a mere lighter. I was like you when I was 19 (only a year and a half ago). I felt angry all the time but at the same time I felt love. What changed? Honestly I do not know. I found God. That is one. Ever since knowing God, my anger disappeared. Not completely though. Well I find myself straying away from God but I am returning. It is a long story. Anyway. I am being who I am. Like you, I wanted to be adventurous and you know what? That is exactly what I am doing. I am being myself. That is another reason my anger is dissolving. I am happy. Everyone will find their own path. Everyone will find life. Don’t give up. I felt hopeless and now I feel alive. I feel joy. I still feel anger but not as much. It gets easier. Life gets better. You just have to find the right path. I know this is long but I did not want to give you a bs answer. you deserve more than that.

  2. Thank you, that was just what I needed. I needed someone to tell me that I was on the right path, because honestly I didn’t know. My mind is now focused more on me than on other people, that’s why I feel guilty, as if I’m betraying my parents in some way. But, I feel like I’m old enough to do things I feel are right to do, and even if I fail and end up sad and alone I will at least know that I’ve tried. Thank you again for your comment, I hope that you know how powerful it is to me, even though I don’t know you I feel like you understand me. You really made my day.

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