Today, again one of the bad days. You just feel it when you wake up, that smell of failure. And you try to convince yourself that today you will handle it, and escape all little meaningless situations that will actually tear your soul apart. I didn’t go to college today, I felt so sick that I couldn’t get ready at all. Me and him should have met today but we didn’t because of me. Well, let’s just say I was tired of all the fuss, hurt, and life. I just continued sleeping till the evening, I was empty. This feeling as if you don’t have anything to say it’s yours, truly yours. I wasn’t mine, they shaped me and changed me how they wanted. But somehow they could never really kill what I really was. Deep inside I had hidden myself, dreamt every day how I would finally be free, be me. And lately, me is coming back, it’s pushing the walls of my mind, it wants to escape more than ever before. Sometimes it just escapes for a moment and then I push it back. Because I’m scared. How will “me” be accepted? Or will it be accepted at all? I just want to be happy the way I’am, I don’t want to pretend, lie and hide. But is “me” brave enough? Sometimes it is, and sometimes it sinks so deep into me that it doesn’t wanna be seen at all. Like today, when my mother told me that if I wear ripped jeans, people will consider me a whore. My mind just went wow. Really mother? She said many stupid things before, but this one nailed all of them. I just stood there in shock and said, “Oh, so if you see any girl wearing ripped jeans, immediately you will think she’s a whore? Really?” She knew she was wrong, and just said that I should know what she really means, and that my style is never gonna attract real guys, only monkeys. “Me” just burnt, it was so strong that I couldn’t hold it back from bursting. I said to her ” Well, have you ever though about the fact that maybe, just maybe I don’t want a real man but a monkey?” Even she realized how stupid this conversation was, and replied saying that I shall do what I want and get myself a monkey, so I can fail at life and get up by my own. I just couldn’t understand her, nor the rest of my family. I felt so different, or maybe we were all the same but they learned how to hide their inner self better than me. But what was a life like that worth? They didn’t know what happiness was. But I did. I found it in him. It was there all the time and I knew. No, I’m not blinded, I see clear, I’m not that much in love. But it’s the most I had ever been in love. The whole day I see him, doesn’t matter if my eyes are opened or closed. Just the way he is, he doesn’t need to change a damn thing. When we are together, something in me recognizes him, as if I knew him longer than I thought. We are telling each other more and more personal stuff lately, and that is what makes us even more connected. He gives me hope, what I need the most. I just pray every single day, that it will last and that they won’t find out. Because if they did, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. What should I do? I’m even scared to tell my mother ¬†that I like somebody, you ask why? Well, mostly because she doesn’t like anybody and thinks that I’m a stupid fool who will fall for a monkey, what a mother, she really helps me in life. I feel like I came from another universe, why the hell does nobody understand me? It’s hard for me, again. I tried once to take my life, but I didn’t succeed and that was what actually helped me to live again. But the main reason I tried it was because of them, and even then they blamed it on me.

2 thoughts on “Me”

  1. Just remember one day you will be grown and gone. Meaning you will be able to take care of yourself and make your own life decisions! You can dress and express your feelings how ever you want without someone telling you its wrong because it is in their mind.

  2. Thank you for expressing your thoughts on my story, I really appreciate it because it helps me. I really can’t wait for those days to come, but I know I have to take it slow. Everybody has their own taste and opinions, and I respects that, but I hope I will be able to express myself they way I want, one day.

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