I’ve come to realize that by trying to hold the chains to life, specifically the chains of others, I have chained myself to a life of suffering, and I’m done. So here you go, I’m free.
Life has a funny way of knocking us down consistently, but for me it’s because I continue to hold on to what causes me pain. I like to play these mind games where I say “I forgive you”, and choose to think of the very thing that made me forgive you in the first place. And I am done with that, I want to be free. I want to be happy. So I give you your chains go, not letting you go necessarily, but letting the baggage and pain you bring along with you, go.
I’ve learned a lot about life, love and myself these past couple of months, but most importantly about the value of my life. I have realized that depending on a single entity to create my happiness did the complete opposite of its desired effect, it sucked the life out of me. I allowed one person to literally create what I will always remember as the second semester of my sophomore year. A semester of rapid weight loss, drinking Sunday through, well Sunday, crying myself to sleep, starving myself, and becoming a person I am not to hopefully become the person I felt that he “wanted” me to be. I tried chaining myself to this idea that “Love is enough,” and that I could force it from the person I loved. Wanna know the funny part? When I finally let his chains go, he realized that he loved me and wanted me… But when I was pushing it, forcing it. Controlling every aspect of everything because, well that’s what Kaitlyn does best, he wanted nothing to do with me. Love wasn’t enough, or was it? Or is it? But guess what, that’s not my job to figure out.
I release the chains of knowledge. The chains of control. The chains of holding my future in my hands. I need to be free. I’m ready to be free.