Changes

Sometimes I feel like nature understands me in some unusual way. Today I felt that, maybe I just make up these things in my mind but I felt like it was real today. The weather just somehow combined with my emotions. I woke up not so early, but happy, because of the late night conversation I had with him. Emotions were flowing through my body, I was so full of joy I could handle anything, I thought. So I got out of bed and did some house work, and caught an hour or two of time to be alone in the house. Everyone had something to do, and I, well I had to but I just didn’t wanted to. I was searching for some kind of song that would describe my feelings so that I can enjoy these happy moments even more. Searching, all the way, all genres, singers, doesn’t matter just that one song I need right now. And eventually I did found it, A New Day Has Come, is the name of the song. I stumbled upon it on a mixed playlist, and just from the sound, from the beginning I knew it was my song. However, since I was alone I couldn’t resist turning it up, it felt so calming. I just sat there, listening to that one song and smiling, I was so in love. I haven’t felt like this since I was 6th grade and fell in love with the boy who was sitting next to me. Long, long time ago. The song just brightened up my day, and with every word of it nature would react back to me. A cloudy sky, but rays of sun all over the place. I loved those moments. In something so frightening and dark, light still finds it way out. I was just sorry that I couldn’t tell anyone about how happy I was, nobody would understand. I’am that type of person, I cannot be changed, I love the precious little moments because that is what makes me happy the most. Material things will never make me happy, because I know that they are temporary, but feelings and memories last forever, no matter if they are in the present or past. Sometimes this thought scares me, because all of us have memories, what if the person I love has memories of someone he will never forget, and sadly I’m sure he does. Because everyone does, but that is life. Don’t stress your mind over things you can’t change. Lately I feel like I’am creating some kind of distance of emotions to protect myself. Trying to be careful, not to say too much, or show too much of my real feelings. Because I feel like if I keep doing it that way it won’t hurt that much. But I also know, if I do it that way I will never love enough. You see, always those bad thoughts ruining moments. But that wasn’t what really ruined my day. He didn’t text me this morning, just a short message to get up, I think I replied with too much emotions, at least that’s what I thought of the very first moment. And no, I wasn’t worried that much because he usually does it that way, just leaves and replies four hours later. Sounds stupid, but I liked it that way because I believed that both of us needed free space to keep this love alive. I was on the way to a city nearby with my brother,  and suddenly the police and ambulance were rushing past us. In that one moment, when all of the cars moved to create free space for them to pass I got sick. Some feeling just started choking me. I wanted to throw up, I felt my mind just running in circles, not wanting to stop. I though of him, in that moment. What if something had happened to him? What if I never see him again? He was a rebel, it was hard to say that he is safe ever. And he never avoided trouble with the police, or anyone. I was scared, I just wanted to get out of the car and breathe. But, honestly what were the chances for him to be involved in that particular accident. Almost zero, but I was still fighting the thought of him getting hurt. As I arrived, I texted him immediately again asking where he was and if he was ok. No response, I almost went crazy. I was so worried, I just wanted him to text me anything so I know he is ok, but still nothing. Not knowing what to do with myself, I just started swiping on facebook, and what a surprise. The guy I was worried about so much, just posted a picture of him and some friends on a race competition. So thoughtful of him. He couldn’t text me, but he could post a picture. Something just sliced my heart, I felt betrayed in some way, maybe I was too emotional or maybe I felt like I already trusted him too much. My heart continued to ache, even harder because he still didn’t text me. I decided to free my mind, and go out a little with my older brother because we never went out by ourselves. As we were walking my phone started ringing, it was him. But I couldn’t answer because I couldn’t talk with him in front of my brother so I just turned the call down. But, he called again. And I turned the call down again. My brother started asking questions but just how convincing my lies were in that moment, oh wow. I didn’t know what a talent I had until then. So we talked and talked, but in some distant way, I texted him just so he knew why I couldn’t answer. I realized that my brother did some things I never knew he did, but he doesn’t approve of me doing those same things. In those moments while talking with him I felt like he wouldn’t like the man I love, because he is the exact opposite of what he wants him to be. I felt uncomfortable in some way, and sad, because nobody understood me and I knew if I said anything I would create chaos. After some time we went home, and eventually the man I loved who had seemingly forgotten about me, texted me saying how he couldn’t send a message the whole day because there was no signal. Well, ok, does he really think I’m that stupid? You dumbass could post a picture, but couldn’t write two to three words telling me not to worry. Honestly, fuck you for that. Today, in some way you just sunk in my eyes, because you always tell me I’m a priority and you would do anything for me, but you can’t send a fucking text. Applause. .. I didn’t want to tell him all that because I don’t really like arguing and I was like, screw all that I just wanna forget about it. But he knew that something was wrong and asked, but I didn’t tell him the truth I just said “it’s fine” and he got angry in some way. He wouldn’t admit it but he knew why I was like that, but he was just too proud to accept it. He made a mistake. And I just knew that he was aware of it. His pride took him a little to far, and he said that he was going somewhere and we’ll talk later. But he just wanted me too feel neglected, I guess he didn’t know that I can read his mind. I just said fine, and left the whole conversation like that. It’s been two hours from that and he still hasn’t texted back, and I believe that tonight or tomorrow he will come out with the whole story of how he knew what I was feeling and that he didn’t want to hurt me. I hate those conversations. Maybe I will just let it go, and act like everything is fine until I forget about it. No fuss about it. Myself is enough for me, he should have learned that by now.

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