“Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what your gonna get” 

Actual facts in my life. Life has not always been fair and sometimes I feel completely lost. My life has been changed forever since last Wednesday. My god kids, who I love deeply and past death, has been taken away from me. Now I have done everything for these children. I fed them, clothed them, taken them to family gatherings, family trips, parent-teacher conference, helping with homework and loved them with all my heart and still it wasn’t enough. I don’t even have kids of my own so these children were like my own children. The mother has suffer from one addiction to another. First it was crack cocaine and now its gambling. I have enabled her gambling addiction by babysitting the kids on a school night but i was fearful that she will allow someone else to watch them and put them in harms way. Even after she won big money at the casino and her children needed coats and shoes, I have seen that she didn’t buy her kids the things they needed so my mother and I got the children coats and shoes (the shoes was literally talking). My family, close friends and spouse had repeatedly told me that I need to stop enabling her and cut her off because I was doing way too much. But I took my “God Mother” role seriously. Should I punish the children for a crappy mother?

Last Monday 5/2 I picked the kids up due to one of the kids has stolen something from school that previous Friday and it was at my house (mind you i didn’t know about this option until the school called me on Monday) so i went to go get the kids and decided to take them all to school especially the one with the sticky fingers so he can return the object. Mind you I told their mother, which she wasn’t home when the kids got out of school monday, that i was going to stop by early Tuesday morning so they can take a shower and get dress for school. When we pulled up Tuesday morning and after knocking for about a good 30 mins, she wasn’t home. I was furious because this is starting to be a routine habit for her. So the kids eventually missed school that day BUT i still stopped by the school to drop off the object that one of the kids stole and was able to get the homework for that day. I am a strong believer if you missed class for a day you still need to be caught up on your academic.  School was extremely important to me. I mean I am the only one in my family with a bachelors degree. Moving on. So when we get back to my house, I had sent a text message to their mother and asked her whats going on and why she not at home and my concerns about the kids missing too much school. She finally text me back 6 hours later and stated that she was at the hospital. She stated that she believe she had a minor heart attack but the doctor said she had an anxiety attack and that she was going to go to kaiser for a second opinion. Now she does have history of anxiety attack so I didn’t think nothing of it so I said okay I will put the kids on public transportation tomorrow morning (which will be Wednesday) so they can go to school. She text back “okay.” So Wednesday morning came and I wake the kids up at 5:15 am because the train comes at 6:30 and I want to make sure they are up and alert, especially on public transit. The kids are 13,12 and two 8yr olds (they have taken public transportation to my house plenty of times). I had told them to call me and let me know when they transfer from one train to another, when they got off the train at their stop, when they start walking home and when they arrived home and they called me for all those times. When they got there, nobody answer the door. I told them to knocked hard and knock on windows and they were literally knocking for 20 mins very loudly but still no answer. Grrrrrrrrrrr!! frustrated I was that morning. They said they was going to come back to my house and they was going to leave a note on the door. I said leave the note on the door, I will come and pick them up because they didn’t have money to get back on the train. Now on my way to go get them, I thought to myself, maybe she did have a heart attack god forbid so I called the police and asked them to do a welfare check. So when I pulled up to the apartment complex, the sheriff was already there inside the apartment but the kid was still outside. I asked the 12 yr old whats going on and he said the police is upstairs with his mom. I didn’t want the kids to see all the commotion so I told them to get in the car and right them I hear the officer say “Aye, where your going?” and another officer said “get her information.” I told the officer i was not going anywhere and the kids was just sitting in my car and I also asked why do you need my information and the officer stated, “ma’am i don’t know.” So I said okay. I gave him all my information, even pulled out my license to insure I am who I said I am. He asked me do I know who an Ashley was and I said no and he also stated that do I know about the kids being outside so I explain the whole situation from yesterday until the kids got home this morning. I also stated I called the police for a welfare check due to their mother stated she felt like she had a minor heart attack. Then the officer asked me about her gambling and i said “no.” Although I knew she did have an issue, i didn’t want to risk the kids being taken away. The officer said that she has confirmed that  she does has a gambling problem and he had given her some numbers to call. In my head, I was screaming but remained calm. I asked if I can could and talk to her and he said after the officers are done talking to her I am free to speak to her. So as I sat in my car, I had watch one by one four different officers come from my god kids apartments. I watched as each officer questioned and talked to the children and retrieve statements from them. When that was all done I asked if I can go upstairs and finally I was granted permission. 

As I walked upstairs and reached the door, I knocked. My god kids mom said “come in” and ask I open the door I was shocked at what I was hearing. “Get out, get out of here, leave my apartment” I was shocked. I asked her what did I do? She said, “you called the police and told them I had a gambling problem” I said ummm no i didn’t. The officer asked me about you having one and I told him no. She then kept on saying, “get out, I can’t believe you and you want see my kids again.” I felt like I was in a daze. I felt like this is a mistake. Then I stated, “after all i did for you and your kids your going to do this, seriously? fine.” I got in my car, drove him, parked my car in my parking space, pulled out my phone, sent a text message to her and explain to her that I will respect her wishes and step out of the kids life. I then called my phone company and changed my number. Now I am completely empty. 

When I make plans in my life, I always include my god kids. They were apart of me. They were major factors in my life. These kids has been in my life for the past 8 yrs and I have always made them a priority. I had them kids every weekend for the past year and all major holidays. Even last summer, they was at my house the whole summer and we did nothing but travel. Now it feels like my life has been taken away from me. I feel like this dark cloud is hoovering over me and I can’t shake this depression. I finally gave what everyone wanted. Everyone kept telling me to leave her alone and step back from the kids and when I finally do, i wasn’t ready to deal with these emotions. I go back and forth in my mind regarding the kids. There are days when I am like “okay fuck it, she wants me out of her kids life I will be out and lets see how far she gets” and then there are days when I’m like “those are my babies, I can’t walk away.” I am trying to let go but its hard to let something go that has been attached to you so long. the feeling I feel doesn’t feel like a loved one died, or a break, it feels like a pain i can’t described. I am completely heartbroken and i know time will heal all wombs, i just want this womb to hurry up and close because i find myself crying out of the blue, listening to certain songs and break down. Even at work, everyone keep asking me whats going on and am i okay. Although I am not doing okay, I manage to put on a fake smile and say, “i am fine.” Hopefully next week will be a better week because this week has been an emotional roller coaster. 

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