“When it rains, its pours….but soon, the sun shines again”
Yesterday was a hard day for me but also a good day. I was able to spill out all my emotions regarding the situation with my god kids and I must admit, it does feel good and I have some sense of relief. I think now I have to do is let go. I still find myself planning things with them and for them and they are currently absent out of my life. For example, I am planning on moving out to state next year and I found myself looking up tickets for myself and my god kids. Grrrrr! I just wish I can wake up and this just be a bad dream or I wish I had a cold heart. It so hard to let go of something or someone who has been apart of your life for so long. The lost of my god kids has reopen up some old wombs. After 2006, I really have never been attached to any other kids. After my grandmother died in 2001, it was hard for me to get that spunk back in myself. My grandmother has been apart of my life since I was born. She always lived next door or with my family. Being the only girl, I had to take on the role of being my grandmother’s caretaker due to my mother working and providing for the family. When my grandmother died at home it was very traumatic for me. This was the first real death I had to deal with. Then, the following month which was November, my father, which i haven’t seen in 4+ years came back into my brothers and I lives and it was kinda hectic. Til this day, I still hold some resentment towards my mother when it comes to my father but that’s a different discussion I will go talk about on a different day. On Jan. 31 2002 a princess name Maaliyah was born. My cousin. My first true love. I loved that baby more than I love myself. I finally found my spunk when she was born. I remember that summer of 2002, I spent my entire summer at her house babysitting. Where I decided to go, she went with me. She was my baby. She was with me so much that she called me mommy. Yes her mother was an active person in her life and yes she knew my name but she still called me mommy. She was my sun to my cloudy days. On March 20th 2006, I started a vocational school name Charles A. Jones. It was raining that day so bad. I said to myself, “its going to be a bad accident today.” Now I honestly don’t know why I said that out loud. Its probably because when it rains, people decide to drive crazy. So I didn’t think nothing much of it and finished my first day of school.
When I got home that day, I remember watching Maury. It came on at 4pm. I got home a little after 4 or maybe close to 4:30pm. When Maury was almost over, the news will show a quick glance on an important story that was going to show on the 5pm news and I just remember it saying river accident 2 dead and 1 still missing. So when the news came on, I don’t remember exactly what I was doing but i know I was doing something because I was I heard the news reporter say “Jeanette” but I didn’t hear the last name. So i get up and get on the computer. I remember going to the news website to look up the story. They had the name Jeanette but it was spelled with a G not a J so i just told myself I will call and check on Maaliyah when my mom get home from work due to me not having a cell phone or know Jeanette number memorized. I just knew my baby was okay and I wanted to get her that weekend. I missed my girl.
Later that night, when my mom got off of work, she called the house phone to see what we was doing. I told her nothing and it was me, my younger brother and my cousin Brian just chilling at the house. My mom said it was raining bad and she will call us when she talk to us when she got home. Not even 5 mins later, my mom called back crying loudly in the phone. The worse thoughts happen to me. I thought my mom was in a car accident because i knew how stupid people drive in the rain. The first thing my mother said to me was, “Jeanette and Maaliyah is dead,” with confidence i told my mother that naw it wasn’t Jeanette because the car accident happen in Walnut Grove and Jeanette didn’t stay in Wal-nut Grove and my mom asked me was I for sure and I said yes.
I don’t remember alot that night but I do remember my older brother and his baby momma (later she became my sister-n-law) came over and i just remember them calling the hospital and confirming that the accident did include Jeanette and Maaliyah but the only thing is….the accident stated 2 dead 1 missing. The Jeanette was alive. The 1 that was missing was Maaliyah. Her body was ejected from the vehicle into the river and til this day, her body has never recovered. I was completely broken. My heart was completely shattered. I was hurting so bad. I remember trying to go to sleep that night and I will have dreams that I was in the water drowning looking for her. It took me 3 yrs to talk about Maaliyah without crying and 5 yrs to look at a river and not have visions of seeing her in there. I believe Maaliyah is my angel and I will take her with me wherever I go.
Maaliyah was the first child I was emotionally attached too and when my god kids came around I was kinda of ummm sorta distance but I knew it was okay to love them and get attached to them. Stuff like this, when the parent just rip the kids out of your life because they are upset makes me not want to be close to any other children. This situation has also affected my relationship with my niece and nephew. Its like I pulled away from all kids in my life due to this scenario. It has a domino affect. I believe my days will start looking brighter. I am just living one day at a time and I know I really have to move away to keep my sanity. Its too much hurt in my current city. I have dealt with alot of tragedy, loss of loved ones and abandonment. I want a fresh start and soon I will receive it.