I’m having one of those days when I feel like fading away.
By “fading away”, I don’t mean dying. Well, not exactly. I just want to sleep. Fall asleep. Sleep forever and always, just lay down and…not have to think or do anything ever again. I know, it sounds like I’m suicidal, “sleeping” just sounds like dying, but I’m really not, not suicidal, and I’m really not thinking of dying.
You know you just have those times when…your brain refuses to work anymore, and you just can’t think or focus or do anything? Or even take a lot of pleasure in stuff you used to like? You feel like you ought to be doing something productive, but you just can’t and don’t. Somehow, you can’t. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I was horribly sick a few days ago (and mildly sick afterwards) and I was basically lucid-dreaming through life during the discomfort (I cried while I was watching an episode of The Simpsons and I laugh-cried while watching Dan and Phil because my emotions were hella unstable), or because I just spent an afternoon looking at rentable apartments in three different counties in Texas (we have decided on one county because the schools are fine and some of the one-bedroom apartments are cheap enough), or because I just realized that I will ACTUALLY have to go to a high school in Texas (the reality hadn’t really sunk in before and I thought it was all an elaborate joke), or because…just because.
I kind of had a panic/anxiety/existential/cringe/everything attack the other day, as evidenced by the barely coherent diary entry I wrote in my notebook, in which I wrote a sentence like this: “Please just let me lay down and fade away.” Which has now struck me as being both peculiarly melodramatic and depressingly sad. I don’t even really remember what was going on in my head when I wrote that sentence, so…
But the “fade away” part really stuck with me.
I just…I think I’m losing my hope. I am slowly becoming infinitely more terrified of going to school again, and moving to a state/county/neighborhood/apartment that I have never seen before. I don’t know. I don’t know anything! I just feel like disappearing and slowly…you know…dissolving out of the warped fabric of the universe and completely disappearing from the timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly topsy-turvy random curves of time and space.
I just don’t want to do anything or face anything ever again. I think I’m even *GASP* losing interest in Paramore, the band I have loved since I was a neurotic nail-biting thirteen-year-old in 2012. Their music has seen me through so much, and they’re working on their fifth album, but somehow, I am terrified that I don’t care as much about it anymore. But if I don’t care, how will I fill that gaping hole in my life that was once filled with their music and their angsty lyrics? I used to spend hours listening to their songs–I filled how many notebooks with lyrics that I related to. What are you supposed to DO with yourself once you lose interest in one of the fandoms that kept you alive during your worst times?
So I just want, somehow, to fade away. Painlessly. Just for a little bit. Sometimes I think I might be struggling with depression, because I have so many bad days, but I don’t know, I hope I don’t have it.
Wow, this entry got depressing. I’m sorry for that. And, by the way, depressing entries like these aren’t common–normally I feel fine and I just write about normal stuff, like crazy dreams and random fangirl ideas.
I really hope you’ve all been having a good weekend.