Where do I even start?
These past couple weeks have been the HARDEST weeks, days, hours, minutes of my entire life! Nothing-and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for the unexpected.
Three weeks ago, I was in North Carolina with my fiancé enjoying a nice vacation and celebrating our friends wedding day! I went to bed Saturday night after celebrating and dancing all night long! At the time-I didn’t notice what I was about to wake up to. About 2:30 am Sunday morning my phone rang about 10 times-hungover and exhausted I just let it go to voicemail. After about the next 3 calls I decided to pick up my phone-I was NOT prepared for what I was about to hear.
My sister, Lauren was on the other line sobbing-she could hardly get a word out. IMMEDIATELY my heart dropped! I wasn’t sure what was going on, I was scared, lost, and confused for what I was about to hear! She finally got a chance to breathe and talk to me. She had to find a way to prepare me for what would be the worst phone call I have ever gotten. She stuttered a little to get the words out-she worked her way up and got some courage to finally let me know why she was so upset!
I will never forget the words that came out of her mouth next…
Me: “Lauren, what is wrong?”
Lauren: “Meg…(she started to cry again) Ben…he’s DEAD!”
Me: “WHAT?? Wait, our Ben? My cousin, Ben? My best friend, Ben? Wait! No! This can’t be!”
Lauren: “I’m so sorry you have to find out this way! I wish you were here right now!!”
“Me: (Weeping-I can’t even talk at this moment)
Lauren: “Everyone is flying in now! You need to get back to PA as soon as you can!!!”
What? Is this real life? Am I dreaming? How could God allow this to happen!? He was the happiest, sweetest, most loving and personable person on this entire earth! Why God? WHY did you take him so early? He still has his whole life ahead of him! He was going to be a Pediatric Nurse! He was going to help and change the lives of children in this world! Ben LOVED children! It was his passion to help others and become a source of strength for them! And, in this moment we needed Ben for that strength!
He was gone…forever!
I woke my fiancé up and told him we need to leave RIGHT NOW! He didn’t question, or hesitate-he jumped up out of bed and started to throw on any piece of clothing he could find. We got ready within a matter of 5 minutes, zipped up our suitcases and we were out the door! We had a 10 hour drive ahead of us, back to PA.
Matt drove as fast as he could, while I cried the entire way back to PA. The drive felt like eternity-I thought I would never get to see my family. All of the thoughts were flooding through my head-what happened? How did he die? Was it an accident? Was he alone? Was he laying there alone for a long time? WHY!?!
We FINALLY made it back home to be with family! I walked in the front door and it was like opening up the wound all over again! Everyone started to weep-confusion set in once again as we all sat around the dining room table. I hugged my cousin (Ben’s sister) so long and hard-I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to take her pain away and bare it on my shoulders for her.
It was a long day, it was a long week-but we got through it! Our family is such a tight knit family- None of us could have gotten through such horror and despair without each other.
We all went our separate ways after the weekend of the memorial service-and we all started to grieve in our own ways…but that wasn’t the end of our grieving and horror.
Saturday morning I had a bridal dress appointment to FINALLY try on some wedding dresses! How exciting!! I took a shower and got out, and saw my dad on his bed crying. Was he still grieving from losing his nephew? Did something happen to his brother- in-law that has cancer? Why was he so upset?
My dad looked at me with tears in his eyes and despair and horror on his face and said “Meg, I am so sorry-but I have some bad news…” I replied with “Oh no!! What’s wrong??” He paused for a second to catch his breath and gain some courage to tell me “I am so sorry-but Oma (grandmother in Dutch) passed away last night..”
WHAT?!?!?! God what are you doing??? I fell to the floor and screamed. Just screamed.
Here come the tears, here come the doubting of God, here comes the anger, here comes the despair. What is God doing to our family? People say “God will only give you what he knows you can handle!” How are we supposed to handle losing two extremely important family members within less than a month?
Family flew in to PA again as soon as they could and we grieved together. We are still grieving and going through the process of planning yet ANOTHER memorial service!
Didn’t we JUST go through this? Didn’t we JUST have to hear a thousand people say “I’m sorry for your loss?” Didn’t we JUST have to get over people asking “What happened?”. We are doing it all over again-and we don’t understand why??
During this time our family has turned to Christian music, lyrics, bible verses and praying to God for strength. It is going to take a long time to gain this strength back and our faith in God. It is not day by day it is literally second by second! We questions our faith and our God daily! That does not just go away in a day! We need to grieve. We need to struggle. We need to be strong for our family members who are having the bad day. Vice Versa.
The verse our family has been grasping onto this month is :
“But he knows the way that I take when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”
Even though God is testing out faith and our strength right now-He gives us the hope and the assurance that we WILL overcome this. We will come forth as GOLD! How beautiful is that? God knows our past, present and future and He will take care of us!
We listen to Danny Gokey nonstop on youtube throughout our days!
“Let Your Heart Beat Again” ON REPEAT! It’s reassuring that God is in control! Through all the hard times, the pain, and the confusion-He is in front of the situation and gives us the strength we need daily!
In Remembrance of:
Benjamin Edward Worthington- 4.23.2016
Johanna (Jose’) Gezena Cornelia Dewert Worthington- 5.14.2016
Forever in our Hearts. Our Guardian Angels.