Day 81 – My cat is dying

Tuesday, May 17th 2016

Where do I begin? I… I don’t know how to feel about this day. I don’t know how to feel about anything right now. I guess I’m still waiting for reality to hit me. I should just write what happened today…

Day 1

1st Period (09:10-10:25)
Math
We had a math quiz. I was sniffling a lot and my throat was irritated; I think I caught my mother’s cold. Half way through the quiz, I couldn’t figure out how to answer a question, until I did and thought “I’ll be getting a good grade”, until the intercom said for 10th graders and up to come to the cafeteria, so my teacher had no choice, but to make it a formative quiz.

2nd Period (10:35-11:50)
Visual Arts
I’ll write more about what happened in this period, cause most of it happened here. So basically people from Turkey came and all I know is that we had to be very respectful, cause they’re important people. Sorry, you guys seemed nice (except I felt awkward, cause one of the people in front was staring right at me and only me while doing his speech), but I don’t got a clue who you are or what you guys just talked about. Something about “no war” and stuff. It was cool, I suppose.
   I worked a little on my painting when we had 20 minutes left.

Lunch (11:50-12:50)
Sat with my closest friends. We talked more about my birthday and then The Prodigy said two of the three people there was also staring at her while doing their speeches. I guess we were just the people in their line of sight? I don’t know. I just had to look interested, even though I didn’t know what the heck was going on.

3rd Period (12:50-14:05)
Science
Walked into the class and the first thing my teacher says is “quiz tomorrow”… Alright. We just started biology yesterday, but at least it’s just naming the parts of the cell and their functions. I don’t know if I will be there tomorrow anyway, cause I haven’t felt well today and well, you’ll know the rest later.
   Also, between classes, I thanked my teacher who taught me careers, because my interview went very well. He was pleased to hear that.

4th Period (14:15-15:30)
English
I just emailed PrettyInBlack and talked with my online friend for the whole period, cause I was pretty much done everything.

After School
I came home, played Undertale, doing a Genocide run (I want to fight Chara, cause last time I didn’t) and then when I was about to eat, my dad said this :
“You should visit Picolo… He’s gotten a lot worse and isn’t breathing well… We don’t know how long he’ll last.” Okay, as I wrote that, I could feel my eyes tearing up. I think reality is slowly hitting me. Right now I still don’t know how I feel, yet I’m starting to feel it, if that makes sense… I visited him and his breathing… His breathing was just too much for me, I left early.

I… At least it’s not on my birthday… When I wrote that, part of reality hit me and just left. My eyes teared up, but I recomposed myself quickly. I… I’m so confused. I don’t know what to feel, yet the more I write the more I start to feel this deep love I have for Picolo and how I don’t want him to go. Okay, it hit me. It’s hitting me hard. Well, at least it didn’t take long to recompose myself. I spent time with him and now I’m ready, but still, I feel like I didn’t spend enough time. This is the third time happening. I think I realized now that grief kinda makes you wanna blame yourself for not doing better, for not being there. Cause I know I spent time, but I spent less time, cause he was getting better and was getting medication, now he’s worse and can’t breathe properly. Reality has escaped my grasp again and I want to continue escaping from it, study for my science quiz, play with my friends, but then again I feel guilty if I escape from everything. I… just don’t know what to do. I’m in this situation where I don’t know how to feel, don’t know what do—or do, but too afraid to do it. I know I’m at acceptance. In the five stages of grief, I skipped to depression and then now at acceptance. I think… Anyway, for the day he dies, I’m gonna make an entry explaining his lovable personality, our good times together and how much I love him, try to get some positivity out of this. Cause in the end, he had a good run.

That’s all for today.

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