You finally said sorry today. Not to my face. Over facebook. For neglecting me as a child. I still feel angry. I’m not ready to say ‘that’s okay’ or ‘no, it’s fine’. Or whatever else might make you feel better, like I usually would. Maybe that’s not enough, to just say ‘oops my bad’. Maybe you fucked up so much, so often that there’s way to actually repair the damage. And I don’t know how to say that. A part of me is scared that I would hurt you and you would fall back into depression but I’m also scared that you would be indifferent and just confirm that you never loved me. How do you expect me to respond?
I might just have gained enough self respect to realise I don’t have to except any apologies even if they are sincere. And perhaps yours is only driven by this sudden onset of Christianity and this is just another phase of selfishness. You want to be right with God. Well too bad. I’m not ready.