First One

I have been wanting to keep a journal for quite a while now and never made the time to actually sit down and do it. I can remember being in high school and keeping an actual journal that I wrote in quite a lot. The thought of actually keeping a hand written journal seems daunting these days and my hand writing is for crap. At least with an online journal I can actually read my writing.

First entry in this new journal… here I am 30 starting a journal I feel like I should have started years ago. I feel as though I have lived a whole life full of events that should have been captured in writing. I guess like the classic saying goes… “its better late then never?” right?! Either way I would like to see if I can actually keep up with this one. Maybe not write every day but at least try to actually write when the feeling hits.

I feel as though writing can help with an array of things and really discover parts of yourself that you have been hiding away in the depths of your soul. There is something about seeing your thoughts in black and white that make them 100% valid, like they are officially out there and even though you can delete them, you know they were there. If that even makes any sense at all.

Another classic saying comes to mind a lot recently… “life is crazy”. In February of 2014 I uprooted my life, left everything I knew to be my life, and moved from Baltimore, MD to a small town in Texas called Brenham. I did all this for a man, a man I thought I loved. His name is Kevin and we met online about 5 years ago. I would have never thought this guy I met online that lived 1000+ miles away would become my boyfriend. To make a long story short we met up one Memorial Day weekend on a whim and the rest is history. We thought we hit off and I eventually moved there. Things were good at first – we had a lot of fun with life. After some time things started going flat. I tried to push us to go out and live life, create experiences together. Unfortunately, he is a home body and I am not. This is probably the biggest lesson I learned from this relationship. I need to be with someone that is not a home body and wants to get out there and enjoy life – even if its just going for a hike or a walk on the boardwalk at sun set.

In August 2015, after much thought and soul searching, I decided to break it off with Kevin. I was not happy and everyone deserves to be happy in their relationship. This brought on a whole new dilemma.

Did I stay in Texas and try to create a whole new life or move back to Maryland where my family and friends were?

I have issues making new friends. I am not the most social person around people I do not know so I did not make many friends in Texas when I was there. On the flip side I felt like if I move back I would be seen as a failure. After thinking about it for a couple weeks I decided to move back to Maryland. My family seemed excited I chose this because they had only seen me once the whole time I lived in Texas. This was because air travel is pricey and I just did not make enough to travel a lot.

In October 2015 I moved back to Maryland. I really felt like I was moving backwards. I had to move in with my mom and her boyfriend because I had no job and no where to move. Here I am 30 years old, no job, and no place of my own.

The first couple months back were rough. My mom and her boyfriend do not have a healthy relationship so there was lots of arguing and fighting going on. I started getting depressed because here I am trying to restart my life, find a job, still see my friends, make new ones, and maybe eventually meet a great guy to share my life with.

The friends part was good to an extent. Many of my friends welcomed me back and things were good. The one good friend I had in this area just never reached out, and still doesn’t. Luckily, I had my bestie Jim in DC. Jim has always been there for me. I appreciate him more then he’ll ever know.

I hated getting back into dating. It feels like such a chore for me. I know I am not the most beautiful person but I also know I am sort of attractive. So I have may not have a 6 pack, I think I have a great out going personality. At least that is what I tell myself.

There were a few guys I dated… Jake, Wayne, and Brent. Out of the 3 the only one I wanted something with was Wayne. However, he had his own agenda and wouldn’t commit. He chose to still use dating apps and talk to others even after a month of dating.

Finally on February 6, 2016 I met Kris. We talked via Scruff/text for a few days and something about him just kept me wanting more. We met at Texas Roadhouse in White Marsh. Him and I sat and talked for almost 4-5 hours. He was easy to talk to and he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. We both shared a little history on each other – where we came from, relationships with family, part love interest relationships. Everything was just flowing. Right before we left he leaned in and gave me a very G rated peck kiss. It was magical. He left me wanting more – not just a deeper kiss but more of him in general.

I knew going into dating him there would be things I would need to really think about. After doing so I decided I wanted to pursue this man who left me breathless the first time we met. There was just something about him. Just within the first few weeks of dating there seemed to be a lot of things that came out that would have made most guys run for the hills. I didn’t run. I stayed close and wanted to him even more.

Something about Kris just made me feel amazing. We are now working on 3 months “official”. I know that is not long. However, it has been long enough for me to decide I love this man, I want him in my life, I want to have a future with him. We have so many awesome plans set up – pride events, NYC for my birthday, the ROC Race, the Mixtape Concert in Hershey, haunted events for Halloween, etc.

I am excited about life now that I met him. I am ready to see where we end up. Maybe we’ll move in together in a year or two. Maybe he’ll flash mob propose to me and we’ll get married. Maybe everyone will be jealous of how happy we are. The future looks bright now that I have Kris in my life.

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