Rainy day thoughts

I am worrier. I have always been a worrier. Its like its ingrained in my blood to perpetually worry about every aspect of my life at all times. I am not even sure where it comes from to be honest. I do not remember worrying so much about everything when I was younger. Gosh, even in high school I did not worry about grades and such. 

I think a lot of it started when I was 21/22. At this age I was dating a guy named Eric who I thought was my forever. Even at such a young age I was mentally prepared for forever, I was ready. 

Then suddenly in September 2006 he left me. He decided he wanted to move his life to Florida. I was not ready to move away from my family yet. In fact, I was down right scared to up and move away with this man who I thought I loved but seemed so distant from me for about 6 months prior to this. 

With that he moved, he never fought for me, never looked back. Throughout the years we have had limited contact. Mostly, it was via Facebook through messenger. About 4 years ago he told me he missed me and wish we would have never broken up. He told me all of this while dating his now husband, Daniel. 

For about 2 years after he left I told myself he would come back, he would remember what he had and come running back to me. In this time I dated quite a lot of guys. I just moved from guy to guy, all the while judging every single one to him, judging every relationship to what I had with him. This was not fair to them or even me.

I loved the idea of being in love but allowing it to actually happen was a different story. I always became so scared, so terrified that if I let my heart go again these guys would simply leave me again with no explanation. 

For the longest time I wondered if I needed help, professionally. I toyed with the idea of seeing a therapist. I did go to three free sessions once and I actually learned a lot from them. I slowly started to realize that Eric left me and I need to be okay with that. I know I am a great person who has a lot of love to give. I realized that there are more than one person for everyone and that having only one true soul mate is a silly concept. 

I came to the conclusion that I will never will get closure from what Eric and I had and I am okay with that now. Its uplifting to have this thought process and I love it.

For the past few years I have been using this thought process and its a totally different dating world out there. Instead of focusing on trying to re-create what I had I needed to actually create something from what ground up, which is how it should be and should have been from the beginning.

Meeting Kris has been extremely eye opening for me on many levels. Since day one he has not given me any reason to question his feelings about me. We have both been extremely open with each other about our feelings. The few times we have had disagreements on things we have been able to talk it out and move on rather quickly. Instead of fight, yell, or point fingers and dwell on things. 

I believe I found someone that I have a real genuine connection with. Kris never talks down to me or or makes me feel stupid around others. Even when he is having a bad day he still listens to me when I talk and never takes out his frustrations on me purposely. Kris seems like someone who will stand behind me and my choices I make and if he does not agree he seems like someone who will give me his honest opinion but in a loving gentle way.

The relationship that him and I have started creating has flowed so easily. For the first time in a long time I actually enjoy talking about a potential for forever – moving in together, going on long vacations, getting married, and buying a house. I have not had this feeling in years. As much as I enjoy talking about it I do not want to talk about it and jinx us since we are still new. As crazy as that sounds that is my worrisome kicking in. 

Some people may think we have talked about too much too much. I do not listen to these people. Every relationship moves at its own pace. I believe that Kris and myself feel as though our relationship is moving at a perfect pace for us. Which in reality is all that really matters. No one else in involved in our emotions and I hate when people try to tell me I am moving too fast or saying too much. 

Too many people do not wait for that spark, for that amazingness that two people can have together. I have always told myself I deserve that. I deserve to that awesome sauce feeling every time I think of that person. Where the near thought of them can bring a tear to my eye because I am so happy. I have this with Kris.

Many people settle – they meet someone they get along with and that’s the end end of it. They do not find someone who will fight for them. Someone who will drop everything just to be with you because they angered you. They do not try to find someone who will sit and talk out and about issues and would rather argue and fight. 

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