I’m starting to realize that I will never again be completely happy in this relationship, or probably any relationship that I will ever be in.
I have always had confidence issues, and issues with feeling enough for those around me and the things that I was involved with. But never, never have I had what I thought I wanted, and still guessed every aspect of what was the “truth” in that situation… His friends say I “won”, but what did I win? I won the man that I loved, and will continue to love forever. A man who made it clear that his heart is not one hundred percent devoted to me, but I “won” all the baggage that comes with the mistake that he made.
Here is what sucks: We are great. Sure ha. On the surface, and probably to him as well, nothing is wrong at all. We wake up in the morning, I make him breakfast, we go to work, we have lunch together. We hug, kiss, go to workouts, come “home”, I make dinner, I clean up dinner, we have sex, we go to bed… This cycle continues. And the words “I love you,” slip off of our tongues like our temporary break never happened. But those words are just words that no longer hold any meaning to me. Because when I was on my knees, crying and questionning how someone who “loved me” could cause me so much pain, could continue to act like my existent was convenient, now those words are just words I say to avoid arguments. I mean them, and they hold a lot of meaning, but what do they really mean? Because at the end of the day I could love him with all my heart, but he could not know how to love me the way I need it. His “I love you,” could be words he uses because they make me happy. Sort of like his once future plans with me… Once they mattered, and now meaningless.
Don’t get me wrong, I love him, and I want my future to be with him. But in every moment that I am with him, I am paranoid. His phone vibrates, I assume he is texting another girl…most times he is, but those are his ‘friends’. At work in my quiet hours taping vehicles all I think of is what is going to happen when I go home for two weeks, and him for a month. Last time we had distance he cheated, he decided this wasn’t what he wanted. But he came back, that means something right? Wrong. I guess I’ll never truly know why he came back.
This is exhausting. But I don’t want a life without it. Maybe I believe that his love is the only one worth experiencing, or the only one that I am ever going to be offered… He keeps cutting me, he hurts me only to comfort me and want me back, all so the cycle can continue. Is this love? Why do the wheels keep turning? Maybe I should stop before I can’t do it anymore, but I think I’m already at that point. Because no one truly knows what I am feeling, no one truly knows that we aren’t this picture perfect “happy” couple. But rather a girl who is too scarred and still bruised to fully let love in again, but I’ll fake it until I make it. Because he came back for a reason, even if that reason is just for his temporary happiness…
So with that, my wheels will keep turning, hopefully leading me to a destination that I can finally be at peace. Because it isn’t fair to him to not trust again, but allow the feelings and the love brew. I love him. I want this to work, but my broken pieces are still lost.