Now I’m feeling everything, all at once.

During my whole childhood I had but one choice: to let what life handed me destroy me or make me. I chose for the misgivings to make me. But despite the obvious rightful choice, came hardships of their own. Because I also chose to ignore. I spent my years numb so I could move forward. I was not cold hearted, no, but I found comfort in my own solitude. I found incredible strength.  I tried my best not to feel, not to get close to many people. Because trust comes dependence, and that was not something that I could afford in my eyes. I went with the motion. I did what I needed to do to move forward, to aquire success, to be more. And now as I sit here, with a good job, my own home,recently engaged to a wonderful man, starting college, putting stability before I decide to start a family; I find myself feeling the past, everything that’s ever done wrong to me, all at once. I am feeling everything all at once, because now, now, that I have found myself stumped to move forward due to having all that I ever dreamed for or wanted, I am not distracted by the flow of the motion. And I am hurting, I am hurting more than I will ever let anyone know. The feeling is so strong now that I can’t ignore anymore. I can’t numb myself, I can’t not care anymore. I feel like claws are ripping on the inside. And I hope that this too shall pass.  Please, Lord, I hope this storm shall pass inside me too. I keep trying to push on the numb button but its not working, I’ve come too far to go back now. I assume that I must face this pain now, that this is the very next step .

One thought on “Now I’m feeling everything, all at once.”

  1. You are so well-written. Good with words. I feel I understand your situation as much as anyone can. The “numb” button doesn’t work because things are not desperate at the moment. Let God begin a healing in you. Think what it will be like to be fully alive! He has good plans for you, to give you a future and a hope. Dare to enjoy it as much as possible, even when pain is present.

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